Secret of successful relationship is getting pissed together

COUPLES who share regular marathon drinking sessions are more likely to stay together, it has been claimed.

According to research, couples are more likely to split if there is a disparity in the amount they drink.

Stephen Malley said: “I’ve been with my partner for 15 years, and she’s great because she can really put away a ton of sauce. It’s what I look for in a lady.

“I love boozing but my previous partner was all like, ‘you’ve been sick on yourself again’, or ‘you shouldn’t be asleep in that bush’, yadda yadda yadda. She was no fun.”

Malley’s long-term girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Yesterday we went out at midday and woke up at 4am this morning lying on a roundabout with only one shoe between us. The magic’s still there.

“They say the best memories are the ones you can’t remember.”

Drink-based relationship counsellor Emma Bradford said: “You should both clear your diaries one evening per week, get a babysitter and make it ‘session night’. Match each other drink-for-drink and then try to a steal a fruit machine.

“A loving couple should prop each other up emotional and physically, particularly if one of them has fallen over in the road and their legs aren’t working properly.”

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Independent Scotland to blame cats

UNABLE to continue blaming the English for their misfortunes, an independent Scotland will instead hate cats.

The SNP confirmed that if Scotland chooses independence, cats will be installed as the new Scottish nemesis, under the so-called ‘scape-cat’ system’.

The policy was developed by Roy Hobbs, Professor of Scottishness at the University of Arbroath. He said: “Cats are an ideal focus for Scottish rage, as they have much in common with the English.

“They stroll about like they own the place, they’re snooty, and they spend all day licking their own arseholes.”

Scottish cat owner Mary Fisher supports the plan: “My cat’s always in front of the fire.  She’s definitely plundering Scottish North Sea gas reserves.”

Fellow Scot Bill McKay agreed: “I could’ve been a great man, if I wasn’t oppressed by my cat.  The little bastard actually shits in my kitchen, even the English didn’t do that.”

If a Yes vote is returned, the newly independent Scotland will immediately gather eleven cats and try desperately to beat them at football.