Seven ways the over-30s will attempt to use 'rizz' and f**k it up this week

‘RIZZ’, meaning charisma or attractiveness, is the Oxford University Press word of the year. Which poses the risk of old people like you using it. Here’s how you’ll get it wrong. 

‘You’ve got mad rizz’

Saying someone has rizz is to compliment them on their charm or charisma. But you should just say ‘You are charming and charismatic’. Because you’re old. You probably remember Hitler and knights.

‘That is so rizz of you’

Now you’re just shoehorning it into a statement to describe someone doing pretty much anything. It loses any meaning if you say things like ‘That cheese on toast was rizz’.

‘I’m going to rizz’

No, rizz is a noun, albeit a bullshit one. If you intend to look good, say something like ‘I’ll get dressed up’. Also it could be misheard as ‘jizz’, which is a strange thing to tell someone outside very specific situations. A fail on all levels.

‘Chicks dig the rizz’

No. You have just created a hideous Frankenstein’s phrase of contemporary and 1960s slang. You’ll be saying ‘Don’t bogart the doobie, fam’ next.

‘How are my rizz levels?’

Asking someone to evaluate your charisma and attractiveness instantly makes you as cool as a grandad dancing to Yes Sir, I Can Boogie at a wedding. Although dancing pensioners are endearing in their own way. You’re not endearing, you’re just sad and impressionable. 

‘My rizz is on point tonight’

No, it’s not. You’re wearing a boring M&S shirt you’ve had for ten years and novelty socks you got two Christmases ago. At least you’re not wearing your REM tour t-shirt from 1991, but it’s not rizz.

‘Fo rizzel my nizzel’

Okay, stop right there. You don’t understand the word ‘rizz’ and you’re rapidly heading into offensive territory. Accept your spiritual home is B&Q now, and the coolest you’ll ever be is knowing Billie Eilish is a different person to Billie Piper.

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Porn site confident you want your wanking to be in the festive spirit

A HARDCORE porn website is convinced its various attempts to celebrate Christmas will be popular with people who went there to grimly wank themselves off.

SpunkBunkerXXX currently features seasonal graphics and festive content despite the site having little to do with traditional Christmas activities such as preparing a roast dinner and remembering the birth of Jesus.

Site founder Marty Bishop said: “The homepage now has a border of holly, snow and candy canes, which adds a lovely Christmassy touch to dead-eyed porn actors going through the motions of anal sex again. 

“We’ve also introduced a host of seasonal content, such as ‘F**ked hard doggystyle at office party’. Admittedly it’s similar to our 468,000 other doggystyle videos, but she’s wearing a Santa hat when he comes on her face.

“And there are our countless CGI offerings of large-breasted Elsa-style characters being having sex with snowmen, which will make you feel shame and self-loathing when you sit down with your family to watch Frozen.”

Porn user Tom Logan said: “The 22-minute porn video ‘Tis the Season to be Horny did briefly make me feel that my solitary masturbation was a wholesome seasonal activity, like listening to carol singers or decorating the tree.

“Then I realised ‘MILF bitches getting stuffed in all holes by big cocks’ probably isn’t the true spirit of Christmas.”