Your guide to being a new super-woke Doctor Who fan

ONCE bespectacled nerds, avid Doctor Who fans now see the show as an opportunity to take up arms for social justice. Here’s how to join them: 

Judge it solely on wokeness

Is an episode bollocks? Not your problem, because that’s not the criteria you judge it on. Did it portray Isaac Newton as Indian? Queen Elizabeth as trans? Did a gay Cyberman marry a gay Dalek? Are women shown to be naturally better at time travel than men? Then it was a success.

Tweet incontinently

Using Twitter, new vegan Twitter alternative X, or TikTok share your ebullient delight at how marvellous the new episode was based on how many gammons it wound up. Shame bigoted ableist haters who thought guided missiles on a wheelchair was implausible.

Be overemotional

When a character like Donna Noble – who had a good send-off when she stopped Davros destroying reality, and wasn’t even lost in time – it’s a major event in your life, up there with your wedding or the birth of your child. Even a guest appearance by Tegan should have you sobbing uncontrollably with joy for eight to twelve hours.

Ignore plot holes

What is a mere plot hole fixed by previously unrevealed sonic screwdriver abilities, Tardis sentience or blatant technobabble compared to the grand project of enlightening the masses? Does it matter even slightly if this episode inspired the youth to new heights of wokeness? It does not, and you should proclaim that loudly.

Take your pleasure from the imagined dismay of others

There’s no such thing as bad Who if you can fantasise about a horrified Daily Mail reader hiding behind the sofa at the onslaught of 21st-century beliefs contained within. Did the Doctor implicitly condemn colonialism? Can you find a lone fan online who thought that was shoehorned in? Then it was all worthwhile.

Never watch anything else

Only watch Nu Who. Don’t even peek at classic Who with stories like The Talons of Weng-Chiang, where white actors played evil Oriental stereotypes from Victorian literature. Like all your offensive jokes on Facebook in 2010 before your political awakening, it never happened. It was erased in the time war or some shit.

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Stock up on candles, batteries and print pornography, advises government

DEPUTY prime minister Oliver Dowden has advised Britons over-reliant on the internet to stock up on candles, batteries and pornographic magazines. 

Dowden, who launches an official government resilience website next year, warned that the country has become too dependent on the internet for both information and masturbation and should lay in alternatives.

He continued: “To be resilient in this digital age there are some analogue capabilities it makes sense to retain. To wit a small stack of Razzle, Penthouse and Big Ones.

“It used to be the case that everyone had a battery-powered radio and a copy of Knave. Today? You’ll frequently see homes with neither.

“If there’s a power outage, where will you get news from? And when you light your candles, what will there be worth looking at if you don’t have an emergency stash of 1990s Fiesta in the loft? You’ll be wanking dry.

“Stock up for emergencies now. Head to your local rough newsagent, the one that sells smuggled cigarettes, and behold a cornucopia of top-shelf pornography awaiting your purchase. It is the prudent thing to do.”

He added: “It may be best to avoid the sections dedicated to Reader’s Wives unless you have experience in that area. I have not been the same since.”