Coolest kid in playground has already completed GTA 6 trailer

THE coolest kid in a school’s playground has already completed the Grand Theft Auto 6 trailer after it leaked last night, he has boasted. 

Year nine pupil Oliver O’Connor, who vapes in the corridors, breezed through the 90-second trailer early this morning and is now talking about its contents with a cool air of indifference.

He said: “It’s piss easy. Just go to YouTube, type in GTA6, press play. Even your mum could do it after I’ve finished shagging her.

“Yeah, it’s pretty incredible, going back to the hardcore sex-and-violence roots of the series. You rob shit, you race stolen cars, you chat up lap-dancers, it’s pretty much an average weekend for me.

“The actual game’s not out until 2025, but my uncle knows a guy at Rockstar so by this time tomorrow I’ll have finished it. You could come round and have a go but I’m busy training for the England under-17s team.”

O’Connor’s English teacher Nikki Hollis said: “Not only has Oliver completed the trailer, he’s apparently the one who leaked it early. I wish I was as cool as him.”

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If you only knew how racist we really are, sigh right-wing voters

THE right-wing voters the Conservatives are wooing with a 25 per cent cut in legal immigration are shaking their heads at this woeful underestimate of their prejudice. 

Voters for whom Churchill’s past as a murderous white supremacist only makes them like him more have confirmed they will not be won round with tougher visa rules and a Rwanda treaty.

Bill McKay, aged 66, said: “Have they not been listening? Did Brexit mean nothing to them?

“A 25 per cent reduction in legal immigration is a boot in the nutsack as far as I’m concerned. 100 per cent is my bare minimum, then we start the deportations.

“A treaty declaring Rwanda safe? They think I want it to be safe? I’m heartbroken it’s landlocked because it means they’re not getting eaten by sharks. And why would we need a treaty? Fly in, kick them out, and piss off. Their laws don’t count. We’re Britain.

“I didn’t spend a decade voting UKIP to be patronised. All out, all the way, back to the 1950s but without the Windrush. If the care system and the NHS collapse that’s hardly my problem.”

He added: “However, I’m fiercely proud we beat the Nazis and love Suella Braverman. I’m a man of contradictions.”