Shopping in Asda: Five terrible things that may happen if you don't get your child a private tutor

DO you think attending school Monday to Friday is enough education for your child? This is sleepwalking into disaster. Here are five dire consequences of not getting them extra tutoring:

You’ll become an object of pity

Other parents will adopt brave voices at the school gates and say things like ‘Well, happiness is more important than achievement, isn’t it?’ or ‘We’re only going for the grammar because Isla desperately needs to be challenged’.

People will think you are a bad parent

Unless you have an English tutor on speed dial, people will think you don’t care about your child and assume you are instead spending the £40 an hour on fags and crisps. And, frankly, you might as well be given all the chances they’ll be denied.

Your child will shop in Asda and live in your shed

Without the early advantages a maths tutor will bring, your offspring will become useless members of society, fit only for timing their downmarket supermarket trips in order to pounce on discounted pork pies. They will then consume them in your hastily-converted garden shed where they have been living for three years while looking for a job.

You’ll lose all perspective

If you don’t get your child a tutor you’ll become convinced they need to ‘win’ in some other way, resulting in you forcing them into another arena they have no interest in, like drama or athletics, and forgetting that if they ‘just’ want to be a plumber they’ll always be employed and make loads of money.

They won’t get into the grammar school

Forgetting about you for a minute, this is the other point of getting a tutor. But the truth is they’re not going to get into the grammar school anyway, even with the tutor, because it’s insanely competitive and other parents have more money to hothouse their kids.

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Five shit BBC shows you weren't going to watch on Saturday afternoon anyway

ANNOYED that a royal funeral has steamrollered the BBC’s Saturday afternoon schedule? These are the shit programmes you were never going to tune in for anyway.

Bargain Hunt

Watching two teams of collectors sift through an antiques fair for 45 minutes to net a profit of £12 is about as fun as it sounds. And without David Dickinson hosting the show there isn’t even the appeal of marvelling at his odd appearance.

Football Focus

The only thing more boring that watching football is watching people talk about football. Football Focus is the worst of all because they’re looking ahead to the week’s fixtures so it’s imaginary football that hasn’t even been played yet. Trying to catch Wills and Harry giving each other evils is a way better spectator sport.

Ready Steady Cook

You’re usually down the pub instead of watching amateur cooks clumsily slice an onion, and for a reason: it’s not good telly. Rylan’s hosting it now, although if Ainsley Harriott’s relentless enthusiasm couldn’t tempt you to watch then nothing will. Also it’s a repeat, because nobody watches TV at this time.

Money for Nothing

Watching presenter Sarah Moore try to upcycle a rusty watering can into a chic bedside lamp is an upsetting experience, not least because she has the energy of a sentient puppet that’s broken free from its master’s strings. And while the handsome chap from The Repair Shop is in it, he just looks like he’s killing time.

Escape to the Country

The last time you watched Escape to the Country you had a heart attack out of rage because the house buyers were so insufferably smug. If anything it’s fitting that Prince Philip’s last duty to the public was bumping this arrogantly privileged property show from our screens. RIP, hero.