Friday, 14th May 2021

90% of Londoners' conversations now about alternative milks

THE majority of conversations in London focus solely on comparing the merits of various milk substitutes, it has emerged.

A study which gathered a random group of people who all live in the city found that they were having a tedious discussion about whether a hemp milk flat white was better than an oat milk flat white within minutes of meeting.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The results further confirm what we’ve known for a long time, which is that people who live in London are pretentious twats who will get obsessed with any old shite if someone else tells them it’s cool.”

Study participant Lauren Hewitt from Clapham said: “When my friends and I aren’t swapping seitan recipes we spend hours debating which bean, seed or nut is best suited to being blasted with water to create a wildly inferior version of milk.

“We can’t drink actual milk obviously, because vegan ethical environment allergies. But with so many alternatives out there, how can you settle on one without worrying your mate likes a cooler one?

“And we do also take a lot of recreational drugs, which might explain how we manage to find these conversations anything other than incredibly boring.”