Should you get a pension or just hold out for the collapse of civilisation?

IS IT worth putting money aside for retirement, or will you spend your twillight years heading for higher ground to escape the floods and hoping to catch an edible leech? Find out: 

Have you got any kids?

Parents need pensions so that feeding you isn’t on your kids’ to-do list alongside avoiding global pandemics and job-stealing robots. They’ll thank you for it while also cursing you for bringing them into this hellish world in the first place.

Do you abuse your body on a regular basis?

Spent the last four decades shitfaced, smoking, and snorting questionable substances? Sod the pension and continue getting wrecked. You won’t last long enough to worry about it.

Do you burn tyres in your back garden for fun?

If you think climate change is crap made up by hippies who want you to stop enjoying a nice big rubbery pyre of an evening, don’t bother with a pension. The climate wars will finish you off first.

Do you vote for lunatics?

If you habitually vote for weasel-eyed bigots who only care about money, you’ve probably got a nice fat pension already. However, they’ve recently decided their patriotic duty is to shaft the economy to prove they’re hard, so you won’t get to keep it.

Can you even afford one?

You’ll probably be spaffing money up the wall paying rent and Netflix subscriptions until you’re a dribbling 97-year old, so it’s a moot point anyway.

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England women's success 'proof of positive discrimination'

THE England women’s team’s progression to the semi-final is proof that men are the real victims of sexism now, according to idiots. 

Wayne Hayes of Barnsley claims the Lionesses would never have made it that far if not for positive discrimination, and that it proves women are being given an unfair advantage.

He continued: “Yet again we see women getting promoted over men. Why is it that Lucy Bronze gets to play right-back at an international level while I have to drive for Yodel?

“The fact that there are 11 players on the team, all women, is just ridiculous. Anyone who can’t see the bias here is kidding themselves.

“It’s reverse sexism. Women get all the good jobs now like ‘World Cup semi-finalists’.

“Admittedly the men did get that far but only after years of working for it, whereas women’s football only started at the beginning of last month and they’re almost handing out cups already. It’s a joke.”

Hayes has previously argued that women do not get equal treatment while driving because he was given a three-month ban for refusing a breathalyser test.