Sight of band setting up strikes fear into drinkers' hearts

PUBGOERS were plunged into despair after realising a band was preparing to perform. 

Drinkers at the Rose & Crown in Bedford at first hoped the balding man in a Hawkwind T-shirt was just tidying up the microphones, until he brought a guitar case in.

Norman Steele said: “Oh God. Oh God, I’m right in the epicentre. There’s nowhere for me to run.

“Oh God, he’s saying ‘one-two’ into the mic as if addressing an empty Wembley Arena, not a pub full of people pretending they can’t see him.

“It’s too late for me, I’ve ordered a toastie. Save yourselves.”

Pub customers began sizing up their nearest exits, but many faced the agonising dilemma of abandoning practically untouched pints or suffering through the first few songs.

Landlord Bill McKay said: “We pride ourselves on organising live music whether people like it or not. And, generally speaking, they do not.”

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Man find himself in middle of life with no idea what he was looking for

A MIDDLE-AGED man has found himself standing in the centre of his life struggling to remember what he came in for.

Tom Logan has told anyone who would listen that he knows there was something he wanted but that his mind has gone completely blank on what it is.

He added: “Oh Christ, what was it? Honestly, there was definitely something I was after, but I got distracted getting here and now I haven’t got a bloody clue what it was.

“I’m looking around in the hope it’ll jog my memory, but all I can see are things that I’ve already got or that I got bored of ages ago.

“It’s a sign of getting older, I know it is, but I just cannot lay my hands on why I came in here in the first place. I’m starting to doubt I ever knew.”

Logan eventually had picked up a spatula, reasoning that in the long run it was as good as anything else.