'Silent majority' never seem to shut the f**k up

PEOPLE who consider themselves to be part of the ‘silent majority’ seem to be forever shouting very loudly about snowflakes, libtards and traitors.

Although believing themselves to be stoically annoyed, they can constantly be heard moaning online, on Newsnight and in the Daily Mail.

Retired tyre salesman Norman Steele said: “For too long we have been hushed, apart from when we’re making a huge fuss about refugees, the liberal London elite and Black Lives Matter.

“We’ve also been incredibly vocal about Extinction Rebellion, the BBC, statues, Jeremy Corbyn, face masks, Remainers and Meghan Markle.

“But apart from all that stuff, we suffer in silence. Except when we bang on about how angry we are and make weird threats about starting wars to save our country from dark forces.

“Luckily I make those threats anonymously on Twitter so I never have to actually put my money where my mouth is.”

Steele’s wife Susan said: “The only time that miserable old bastard will be silent is when he’s dead. I’m quite looking forward to it.”

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Man would have sex on first date

A MAN has confirmed that, contrary to all expectations and social morés, he would have sex on the first date if he felt it had gone well enough. 

Nathan Muir admitted that while sex never normally happens until at least the third date, he would be open to going all the way at the end of a single evening if he met the right girl.

Muir said: “Normally no. Often I don’t give it up until about the seventh date. Sometimes, if I don’t feel there’s chemistry there, it doesn’t happen at all.

“But yes, if I felt that the time was right to make a move – it would have to be a mutual thing – then I don’t see why I would hold out on the girl. Let the dog see the rabbit and all that.

“Would she respect me afterwards? What if she didn’t call again? What if she didn’t want a relationship and it was just one wonderful night of guilt-free lust? I guess I could cope with that.

“Sometimes you just have to give in to the animal within. Give it what it wants, slake those desires and accept that it was just in the air that night. You know?”

Date Hannah Tomlinson said: “I only asked if we were going to have a starter.”