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Six annoyances of modern life your mum blames you for personally

THE hellscape of modern society is the result of decades of dickheads beavering away. But here are six awful aspects your mum blames on you personally.

Spam emails

Your father got an email inviting him to purchase some penis enlargement pills. Your generation’s obsession with sex is what led to him clicking on a dodgy link and divulging his bank details to some foreigner with internet access. Which, incidentally, is another awful thing that’s your fault.

Petrol prices

Back in the old days, petrol was far cheaper. Now, because of inflation and various oil crises, prices at the pump have skyrocketed. You weren’t alive back then, but you are now. Coincidence? Your mum thinks not, and she won’t stop driving or complaining until you finally put your philosophy degree to good use and bring them down.

Litter

The streets are filthy, especially in cities where the young live. As an important figure within the under-60 age bracket, why, exactly, haven’t you urged today’s youth to clean up their act? And get those kids to pull up their trousers, while you’re at it.

AI chatbots

Nowadays it’s impossible to get hold of someone on the phone and shout at them when you have a problem. Instead, you’re forced to converse with a stupid AI chatbot that can’t even flinch from your bellowing. It’s young people like you with your woke sensibilities who have turned complaining into a chore rather than a pleasure.

People playing videos on public transport

Your mum is happy to endlessly swipe through knitting patterns on Instagram, but she would never play them out loud on the train. And in the quiet carriage, no less! How could you be so selfish as to invent the endless scroll and make the volume button so small and fiddly?

Hospital waiting times

According to the way your parents tell it, in the 70s you could turn up at the (white, male) doctor’s house any time of day or night and he’d sort you out. Now you have to go to A&E and wait for hours to see a so-called ‘physician’ who might have long hair or even a nose ring. Assisted dying can’t come soon enough.

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Freddie Mercury, Elton John and other people your dad still thinks were straight

DESPITE decades of documentaries, costumes and gay lovers, here are the people your dad is convinced were just a bit flamboyant.

Elton John

He married a woman, which is proof enough as far as your dad is concerned. True, the relationship didn’t work out, but neither did your parents’. And that wasn’t because your old man’s eyes lingered on the models in GQ for too long. No, it was your mum shagging her Pilates instructor that was the main problem.

Kenneth Williams

He was around in the seventies, which for your dad was a pre-woke utopia free from any of this modern LGBTQ nonsense. That rubbish only came in with New Labour. Williams’ voice was one of lifelong bachelorhood. He was an actor and they love being theatrical. Just like your uncle Jeremy and his personal dresser Chris.

Boy George

Despite not dressing in the most traditionally blokeish way, your dad is convinced that he clearly prefers girls. Sure, he’s an eccentric fellow, but he could have only got all that expert make-up advice from spending time with the fairer sex. Besides, it would take a man totally comfortable in his roaring heterosexuality to pull off that look.

George Michael

Think about all those music videos where he’s with fit ladies. Careless Whisper, Last Christmas, Freedom. That last one had supermodels in it. ‘You mean to say George Michael shot a video with Cindy Crawford and never had even a semi on?’ is your dad’s thinking. He’s even wearing a manly leather jacket for Christ’s sake.

Freddie Mercury

In your dad’s eyes he can’t be gay because he had a big moustache. That would tickle blokes during a blowy and they wouldn’t like it. He sang about wanting to break free, clearly a song about the thrill of heterosexual marriage. And he had a girlfriend called Mary who he called his ‘common law wife’. That fella Jim was just a mate who looked weirdly like him.

Liberace

A man with that kind of piano playing dexterity clearly has fingers built for fondling fannies. Why do you think he wore all that sparkly shit and sang all those ditties? To seduce birds of course. Always denied he was gay and even sued a newspaper that said he was. As would your dad.

Rock Hudson

Rock Hudson was all man and porking Doris Day to boot. He can’t have been a player of the pink oboe being in all those romantic movies with female fans throwing themselves at him. Plus he was in Dynasty, and what gay fella could be interested in that show?

The Village People

In your dad’s opinion there’s nothing questionable about these ultra-macho lads. What could possibly be homoerotic about a cop, cowboy and biker singing about being in the navy? They’re simply enjoying each other’s gruff company. It’s effeminate rockers like Axl Rose you have to worry about being secret woofters.

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