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Six rules of the road that don't apply to cyclists: a cyclist explains

RIDING a bicycle means you can ignore rules that apply to other road-users, like cars, motorbikes, buses or pedestrians. Cyclist Tom Logan explains: 

Riding on the pavement

A bike is like a Transformer – it gets the best of both worlds. On the road? You should be accorded the same respect as a car. Road busy? Mount the pavement and you’re a two-wheeled pedestrian. After all, it’s not like you’ve got a polluting motor. Nobody complains about wheelchairs on the pavement, do they?

Optional traffic lights

I’m all in favour of cyclists stopping at red lights if they need a bit of a breather. It sets a good example to motorists, after all. But it’s by no means a necessity and they’re a better judge of whether it’s safe to go through or not than any mere system of lights. And come on, there’s no law against it.

Warning others of your approach

It’s your duty, whether you’re in a car or on foot, to be alert for cyclists. A full-grown man in Lycra riding a £1,500 carbon-fibre hybrid can’t be ringing a little bell like he’s an eight-year-old girl. If you don’t move out of the way fast enough and you’re hit by a cyclist, you’re fully liable. That helmet cam will have recorded all the evidence and it’ll be on Instagram.

Ignoring one-way signs

Those restrictions are for idiots driving death machines, not sober, responsible cyclists. We’re above all that, and have a perfect right to weave in and out of oncoming traffic to show off our silky skills. If you hit us you’ll lose their licence, and it’ll be your own fault when you have to get the bus to work.

Undertaking

Cars are forbidden from passing each other in the inside lane, and rightly so, the ignorant, dangerous petrolheads. It’s different for cyclists because we’re so much more important. Yes, drivers find it humiliating and emasculating when we zips by as you wait in traffic, and so you should. You’re inferior by every measure that counts.

Being visible

If a cyclist wants to wear six lights, flashing aggressively and confusing everyone, on their hi-viz that’s their right. If they want to wear all black and go lights-free like a stealth bomber, it remains a cyclists’ perogative. They’re our roads. We merely allow you to share them.

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'You're only in charge because Janet left', and five other things you wish you could say to your shite boss

YOU know he’s shit. The whole office knows he’s shit. He, surely, must know he’s shit. But nobody is allowed to speak that truth or these: 

‘You’re the boss by default’

While your boss seems to think he was appointed God on merit, everyone else is fully aware when Janet left management couldn’t be arsed doing an outside hire and he’d been around longer than everyone else. He owes his status to nothing more than hours logged and her relocating to Wakefield.

‘We work better without you around’

While he spouts specious bollocks about improving productivity, you yearn to tell the prick that whenever he’s out on annual leave more work gets done because everyone’s actually able to do their jobs rather than getting pulled into meetings to stroke his fragile ego.

‘No-one gives a s**t about you or your life’

After another meeting drags on for a half-hour longer than it needs to, because your boss has no-one else to share his innermost thoughts or dull weekend plans with, every single person diligently taking notes as he regurgitates misremembered motivational quotes is aching to tell him that nobody gives a f**king f**k about his bullshit.

‘You know we only work here for money, right?’

While his career is an ongoing saga that enthralls all listeners, he seems incapable of understanding that other people do not spend their every waking moment thinking about monthly reports. But if you ever explained your working hours are the shit bit, you’d be out on your arse.

‘You should be paid a lot less’

Considering how much of your job is doing useful shit and how much of his is presentations and taking credit, you should take home his salary and he should take home yours. Also, he should lose a grand off his bonus for every email demanding you do something he could easily do himself. Saying this would be fatal.

‘You’re a complete f**king moron and my job is to cover your arse’

Fundamentally, you wish you could point out that your boss is a f**king idiot and a liability who would have cost the company 400 grand last month alone if you weren’t catching every single one of his cretinous mistakes. But you need to pay the mortgage next month.

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