'Slime' flavour doughnuts: Halloween shit supermarkets will try and foist on you

WANT normal products but in spooky packaging? Supermarkets have got you covered with this Halloween-themed shit:

Scary mix

An extremely low-effort cash-grab which parts you from your money every Halloween. This innovative selection of sweets is the same old Haribo you buy during the rest of the year, only this time the sugary gelatin has been squeezed into a bat-shaped mould instead of a little bear. You will scoff the lot before trick-or-treaters visit then get egged.

‘Slime’ flavour doughnuts

Supermarkets like to give their products creepy nicknames on Halloween, although slime is an accurate description of their cheap doughnut fillings all year round. They taste like a marketing executive running out of ideas, and the only scary thing about them is the chest cramps you’ll get after wolfing down five in 20 minutes.

Orange cupcakes

Once shops realised they didn’t have to decorate their Halloween cupcakes with skulls or cobwebs, they just started topping them with orange icing. You know that orange means Halloween as you push your trolley round the aisles on autopilot and that’s all that matters. You will eat them on the designated day and feel nothing.
Ghost-shaped crumpets

You don’t usually eat crumpets because you’re not a character from a Beatrix Potter book. However these are shaped like ghosts and have scary faces burnt into them, so you’ll mindlessly toss them into your basket. When you go to eat them you’ll wonder who buys this trashy crap, before remembering you live alone and it was your own dumb decision.

Literally just a Twix with a pumpkin on the wrapper

The makers of Twix know they don’t even need to try. This is the regular caramel shortbread chocolate bar you’re familiar with, only with a pumpkin lazily printed on the wrapper to catch your eye. You like to think you’re above such a blatant example of commercialism, but you’re not. Plus you really like eating a Twix.

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The myth of going out on the pull vs. the punishingly grim reality

GOING out on the pull is a myth created by lads’ magazines. Here’s what really happens when you try to find a stranger to have sex with:

MYTH: You’ll look across a dance floor full of prospects, each hottie more enticing than the last.
REALITY: Getting turned away from the club, then visiting a grim pub full of aged locals, each more sullen and depressing than the last.

MYTH: You’ll catch the eye of someone attractive across the room, and watch them realise they can’t tear themselves away from your magnetic gaze.
REALITY: Staring into a watery pint, hypnotised by the knowledge that it cost £6.50 yet has the taste and appeal of stale piss.

MYTH: Striking up a scintillating chat with a 10 which crackles with sexual tension.
REALITY: Awkwardly trying to compliment someone who can’t hear you over the shit music, before settling on a thumbs-up as they back away in disgust.

MYTH: An enchanting walk home with your soon-to-be conquest, whispering sweet nothings to one another under the moonlit sky.
REALITY: An exercise in herding cats as you try to regroup your disparate gang of mates, before eventually throwing everyone into an Uber that they swear they’ll pay you back for (they won’t).

MYTH: Hours of passionate lovemaking, fulfilling desires you never even knew you had.
REALITY: Spending an hour watching the late-night shopping channel, before drifting off on the sofa filled with crisps and self-loathing.

MYTH: Waking up and scratching another notch in your bedpost. Quite the number you’ve got there.
REALITY: Waking up with a sore head and the need to puke. Protect your pride by telling yourself there was nobody worth pulling, even though you’d have shagged a bollard given half the chance.