Small businesses 'must be run by stressed-out lunatics'

ALL small firms must be run by total maniacs heading for a coronary, according to a new EU ruling.

Shouting as standard

In order to standardise practice across Europe, small firms will now only be run by people with obvious personality disorders, ideally helped by their equally mad partners, who, weirdly, are also their employees.

An EU spokesman said: “By 2015 we hope all local enterprises will be helmed by a red-faced loony called Ron or Jayne who is about to die due to stress resulting from self-created problems with suppliers or sub-contractors.

“They should have no grasp of how to run a business in a professional way, for example by putting their 17-year-old daughter in charge of sales and marketing when she’s on holiday from her drama degree.

“Whether it’s a firm that makes caravan tow-bars or an obscure brand of extra-size lingerie, small business owners must also have incredibly weird opinions that you will only find out about during an awful Christmas party.

“It might be that David Cameron is a socialist, or that the Royal family are secret Jews.”

The new regulations will also require that small business people randomly flip out over things that do not matter to sane people, such as employees using too much toilet paper.

Small businessman Roy Hobbs said: “The stress of running my dysfunctional triple-glazing firm has just caused my left eyeball to pop out, so can one of you useless bastards call an ambulance?”

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Roll-up smokers impervious to health warnings

THE government is to remove health advice from rolling tobacco packets because the people who buy them simply do not care.

Health minister Victoria Atkins said: “Research shows that people who smoke those dirty little DIY cigarettes just don’t give a shit about anything.

“I bet their houses are disgusting.”

Rollie fan Emma Bradford said: “I’m not into health, I’m not in any way aspirational and I don’t give a fuck what people think. And that is probably the classic profile of the roll-up smoker.

“I just want a shiny pouch that I can dip my brown-tipped fingers into, pull out a lovely moist clump of nut brown baccy then clumsily drop it onto a crumpled Rizla.

“No filter, because filters are for children.”