Smokey Chases Bandit Through Swindon

SWINDON was in chaos yesterday as local police chased an American sports car driver through the town centre at high speed.

The terrifying incident left the town reeking of burnt rubber and strewn with the shattered remains of hastily erected barriers, as the black Trans Am left dozens of frustrated traffic officers in its wake.

The driver, known to police as 'the Bandit', stopped briefly near the Brunel shopping centre to ask a young blonde woman if she needed a ride, before he was slapped hard on the upper arm by Sally Field.

He has pledged to return next month in the company of Roger Moore, Dom Delouise and the transvestite from M*A*S*H dressed as an Arab.

Speaking via CB radio, the Bandit said: "We gonna race across Wiltshire, a million bucks to the winner and old Smokey can kiss my ass!"

Local hotels are now fully booked while Top Shop has reported record sales of sexy catsuits that can be unzipped to distract horny policemen.

Superintendent Brian Hayes, who led the police chase, said he would make a full statement later today explaining why his squad car no longer had any doors or a roof.

He then took off his hat and used it to hit a nearby sergeant, adding: "Amma gonna git them goddamn sons o' bitches, yessiree."

The Bandit was last seen shouting 'yeeeeeee! haaaaaarrrh!" from behind the wheel of the Trans Am as it soared over the railway line at Wootton Bassett.

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Britain As Insanely Violent As You Thought It Was

BRITAIN is every bit as violent and terrifying as you thought it was, the government confirmed last night.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith said the police must take full responsibility for misinterpreting government guidelines in exactly the way she told them to.

Home Office officials admitted that since 1997 gun crime had been defined as 'offences involving Howitzers and other heavy artillery', while the majority of knife incidents had been dismissed as 'pirate fun'.

But Smith insisted it was very easy to interpret a 22% rise in violent crime as a 15% fall, especially if you were willing to lie about it.

Members of the public welcomed the revised figures saying it helped to explain why they kept coming home from work covered in blood.

Roy Hobbs, an accountant from Ashford, said: "Every time the government said violent crime was going down I thought 'well, if that's the case then why do I, my wife and many of our close friends have a knife sticking out of our chest?'.

"That said, this year I have noticed a slight reduction in the number of bodies I have to step over on my way to the station."

Meanwhile local authorities have reported an increase in the use of noise abatement orders to deal with complaints about chainsaws and desperate, horrifying screams.