Snap election 'suggests the shit will have really hit the fan by 2020'

THE timing of the snap election proves that the shit will have seriously hit the fan by May 2020, experts have confirmed.

Analyst Denys Finch-Hatton said the only good reason for Theresa May to go to the country now is if Britain will be ‘so fucked post-Brexit that people might even vote Corbyn’.

He added: “Facing no opposition in parliament, high in the polls with the media behind her, May has no motive for this election unless she’s seen the same doom-laden projections I have.

“She’s obviously calculated that a vote now, while there are still schools and before NHS doctors tell you to bite down on a rag while they saw your leg off, offers more chance of victory.

“If she wins this one she’s fine until 2022, by which time the population will have halved and legalising vigilante mobs will be the key electoral issue.

“Or hey, maybe it’ll all be fine. That could happen too.”

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Labour campaign to focus on updating CVs

LABOUR MPs are to spend the next seven weeks updating their CVs and talking to recruitment agencies.

As the general election starting gun is fired the party leadership has ordered an all-out effort by MPs to start looking for other jobs.

Leader Jeremy Corbyn said “There are some terrific opportunities out there. I’m really interested in fashion and the media so it would be great if I could find an opening that combined the two.”

Shadow home secretary Diane Abbott said: “I’ve held senior positions within a large organisation for the last two years and have shown initiative and team leadership skills. I enjoy motivating others and I thrive under pressure.”

Deputy leader Tom Watson is set to return to his previous career of hauling unconscious drunks from the toilets in Colchester’s seventh most successful nightclub.

Meanwhile, former shadow foreign secretary Hilary Benn has dug a large hole in his back garden where he intends to stay until the end of the year.