Theresa May announces last election

THE PRIME minister has announced that the general election on June 8th will be Britain’s last. 

Theresa May has told Britain’s citizens they will be allowed to exercise their democratic rights one final time to give her rule the stability it needs.

She said: “Despite my repeated demands for unity, still we are plagued with disagreement and opinions which I will charitably describe as ‘different’.

“This election will establish, once and for all, that I and my policies are right and backed by everyone, forever.

“Following this there will be no further elections because the uncertainty is bad for markets. There will only be certainty, glorious certainty, for us all.”

May also told Britain that the time for childish support of ‘other’ parties has come to an end, and she would like everyone, especially the Scots, to grow up and vote Conservative.

She added: “An all-Tory House of Commons would be a wonderful climax to British democracy.”

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‘More politics? How absolutely f**king fantastic’, says Britain

AN ECSTATIC Britain has thanked Theresa May for calling an early general election because it just cannot get enough of politicians on the news.

The prime minister told an excited, trembling nation that it had been almost a year since the country voted on anything important and that Britain now deserved to be rewarded for its patience.

She said: “I’m sorry I took so long. I know how much you hunger for politics to dominate the news. I know you love the debates, the special editions of Question Time and the party political broadcasts that show so much respect for your intelligence.

“And I know the absolute joy you experience when a pasty-faced weirdo knocks on your door and gives you a leaflet about how much Jeremy Corbyn loves Hitler.”

Delighted voter Tom Logan said: “I’m already planning a spectacular Leaders’ Debate party for all my friends.

“But what on earth am I going to wear?”