Middle class alcohol 'less alcoholic than all other alcohol'

GETTING drunk while looking after your children is fine if you are drinking Chablis rather than WKD, it has been confirmed.

Middle class mother Eleanor Shaw and her friends regularly drink ‘some’ bottles of Chablis during their children’s play dates, insisting it is a civilised approach to parenting and ‘something French people probably do’.

Shaw said: “Chablis is a cultivated drink filled with interesting ‘notes’. It’s not like we’re just getting shitfaced.

“Sometimes we describe it using words like ‘biscuity’.”

She added: “Of course, if one of my friends turned up with a bottle of Tesco own-brand vodka I would confiscate it and then report the bitch to social services. Chablis is barely alcohol at all, really.

“It’s also very nice if you mix it with half a pint of artisan gin and then stand on the kitchen table singing Hit Me Baby One More Time.”

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Nuclear pissing contest between weird-haired f**knuts how Earth always wanted to go

THE Earth has confirmed that it always saw itself going out in an argument about penis size between two idiots with fucked-up hair.

Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump’s ongoing dispute about virility, expected to scythe the planet clean of life within the month, is a wonderfully dignified exit according to the 4.5 billion-year-old globe.

The Earth said: “The one with the candyfloss hair is so intelligent and statesmanlike, truly the pinnacle of Western civilisation, while the fat kid perfectly represents the inner wisdom and spiritual calm of the East.

“And their argument is about who looks the toughest in front of his mates. What better reason to end it all?

“I’m so glad I’m not going to become the fabled homeworld of an advanced, pan-galactic civilisation. That would have been so embarrassing.”

Earth added: “I haven’t been this pleased since T-Rex called down a meteor strike because Triceratops called it ‘baby arms’.”