Work is better than all that bank holiday bullshit, confirms Britain

BEING back at work is a welcome break from four days of weird relatives and children’s nonsense, it has been confirmed.

Sales manager Martin Bishop said: “Today a client was livid about an order we’d messed up, but it was still better than talking to my father-in-law who thinks Brexit makes it OK to be racist.

“Talking to an adult – even one calling you a ‘useless wanker’ – also made a pleasant change from my daughter’s stream-of-consciousness rambles about Peppa Pig.

“Even just sitting in an office chair feels like extreme luxury compared to being on the teacups at Alton Towers for the eleventh fucking time.”

Mum-of-two Donna Sheridan said: “It will be nice to go for a drink at lunchtime without my mother-in-law watching me like a hawk for evidence that I am an alcoholic slut.”

Nikki Hollis added: “Next Easter I won’t go on a cycling weekend with my boyfriend and his dickhead mates. I will stay at home and do spreadsheets.”

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Woman unsure if she is meditating or just bored

A WOMAN who recently took up meditation cannot tell if she has reached a higher spiritual plane or is just incredibly bored.

Emma Bradshaw, 28, started watching meditation videos on YouTube three weeks ago because it was a lot less effort than going to a yoga class.

Bradshaw said: “I wanted to get into the mindfulness movement because I have a very stressful job in some sort of marketing bullshit and I really need some ‘me’ time. Also, all my friends are doing it and I hate being left out.”

She added: “I sit on a cushion, close my eyes and do that weird thumb and finger together thing that spiritual people do in photographs, but beyond that I’m just guessing.

“I know I’m meant to focus on my breath but I pretty much instantly forget to do that and before I know it I’m thinking about crisps or Emmerdale.

“Sometimes I nearly fall asleep, but does that mean I’m blissfully relaxed or just so bored that my body has shut down? I have no idea.

“Apparently, the ultimate goal is to empty your mind of all thought and just exist in the now. I can do that for hours if I watch enough episodes of Storage Hunters, so I might just stick with that.”