Seven people getting the broadband speed they pay for

A FEW people in Britain are getting the broadband speed that was in the advert, according to new research.

Regulator Ofcom found that as many as seven people, mostly in London, are receiving speeds of up to 20 megabytes and can download an entire film in less than the average lifespan of a rabbit.

Stephen Malley, a telecoms analyst at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “Over a decade ago BT launched an ambitious rolling programme to dig up thousands of British roads to install fibre optic cable, before waiting for two weeks and then digging them up all over again and removing it.”

But Malley said an administrative error meant that some of the fibre optic cable was left in place, resulting in more than half a dozen people who had no need to call a helpline at £2.50 a second or be ground into whimpering submission.

The UK telecoms industry has now pledged to rip out the last few remaining yards of fibre optic cable and replace it with a load of stretched-out coat hangers.

A spokesman for BT Openreach said: “These coat hangers are made from top quality Bulgarian tungsten and can run up to three bingo sites at the same time.”

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If you hold in a burp it turns into a fart, confirm eight year-old research scientists

HOLDING in a burp will result in flatulence, according to Britain’s leading eight year-old scientists.

The theory, developed yesterday afternoon, is set to radically reshape the study of where farts come from.

Lead researcher Nikki Hollis said, “It’s all here in our findings.

“Burps turn into farts and you can’t hold your breath forever because then you’d just die.”

Scientist Wayne Hayes added: “We also researched what’s worse, a burp or a fart. And it turns out that a fart is much worse because it smells worse.

“Which is further evidence, if it was needed, that you should never hold in a burp because eventually there will be so much bum gas that you would have to go and live on the moon.”

The findings will be published in the school newspaper, despite claims by so-called year three ‘teacher’ Mr Logan that the research is ‘fundamentally flawed and actually quite dangerous’.

Meanwhile, the research team claims their theory also suggests that if you hold in a fart while holding your breath, your eyes will eventually pop out and bounce around the room like super bouncy balls.

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