Woman who tried festive-themed coffee full of self-loathing and dairy

A WOMAN who bought an orange and praline pumpkin-spiced latte is experiencing intense remorse and lactose-induced bloating.

Nikki Hollis was swept away by a pleasant feeling of Christmas spirit which resulted in the purchase of the drink on her way to work, but soon found it replaced by an overwhelming urge to vomit in the bin by her desk.

Hollis said: “In theory I like the flavours of orange and praline, and I also like whipped cream, but by combining them and heating up the resulting gloop they have managed to create a very disgusting substance.

“Describing it as ‘coffee’ should be illegal, and associating it with Christmas has ensured that anything vaguely festive will forevermore bring the taste of pumpkin-spiced bile back to my mouth.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Christmas is brilliant for capitalism because people can be easily persuaded into buying something stupid like themed coffee, just by putting a picture of a snowman on it.”