Woman who tried festive-themed coffee full of self-loathing and dairy

A WOMAN who bought an orange and praline pumpkin-spiced latte is experiencing intense remorse and lactose-induced bloating.

Nikki Hollis was swept away by a pleasant feeling of Christmas spirit which resulted in the purchase of the drink on her way to work, but soon found it replaced by an overwhelming urge to vomit in the bin by her desk.

Hollis said: “In theory I like the flavours of orange and praline, and I also like whipped cream, but by combining them and heating up the resulting gloop they have managed to create a very disgusting substance.

“Describing it as ‘coffee’ should be illegal, and associating it with Christmas has ensured that anything vaguely festive will forevermore bring the taste of pumpkin-spiced bile back to my mouth.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Christmas is brilliant for capitalism because people can be easily persuaded into buying something stupid like themed coffee, just by putting a picture of a snowman on it.”

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If they don't control immigration I'll move to a different country, says Brexiter

A BREXITER has vowed to leave the country for some unspecified destination of his own free choosing if the government do not do something about immigration.

Norman Steele says that if Britain insists on maintaining its crazy open borders scheme allowing foreigners to come over and settle on a whim, then he and his wife will sell up and move to the south of France, or wherever else he fancies.

Steele said: “This mad experiment in trying to make us all multicultural has got to stop. If they think they can make my wife wear a veil and speak Polish, they’ve another think coming.

“Europe’s convenient. I reckon France, or Spain. Actually, Poland doesn’t look half bad. That’s the great thing about being free and British – you can go wherever you want.”

Steele says that wherever he goes, he intends to ‘sit around on his arse all day’, eating egg and chips and reading the Daily Express so that he and his fellow expats can complain about immigrants.