Southern scientists discover some Northerners not working class

SCIENTISTS from the south east have been surprised to learn that not everyone in the North is working class.

Southern scientists always assumed that anyone from ‘up north’ was either living in a kestrel-based drama or working in one of those factories where there is lots of hot liquid metal and sparks.

Kent-based researcher Eleanor Shaw said: “I thought they were essentially unlucky people deprived of the opportunity to pronounce words like ‘castle’ or ‘bath’ properly.

“Our research revealed some of them have ponies. For riding, not food.”

Shaw also confirmed that many Northerners work in professional jobs that most Londoners would consider respectable, and even have fancy houses.

Shaw added: “Northerner culture is surprisingly rich and diverse, although some of it we will never understand, such as a pie with kidneys in it.

“Kidneys, for Christ’s sake.”

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Mum enjoys holiday in supermarket car park

A MUM who ‘popped out for milk’ is secretly enjoying a half-hour weekend mini-break in her car outside Tesco.  

Mother-of-three Mary Fisher told her family she would be ‘back in a minute’ before leaving the house in her Ford Fiesta.

She is now half way though her 30 minute vacation, staring out of the car window while eating the first of two raisin and biscuit Yorkies.

Fisher said: “The kids had been kicking off, the freezer was leaking a pale brown liquid and a new stain had appeared on the living room carpet.

“I just thought, ‘fuck this shit’.”

She added: “So I’m just going to sit here watching people putting grocery items into cars while I make a filthy mess of myself with this pair of chocolate-covered bastards.

“That’s how I roll.”