Southerner thinks impression of Northern co-worker's accent remotely accurate

A SOUTHERNER actually thinks his attempt at a Northern accent in some way resembles what a Northerner talks like.

Office worker Martin Bishop believes he has got Tom Booker’s accent “spot-on”, mostly by saying “thar”, “eeh bah goom” and prefixing every word with “t’”.

Bishop, who perfected the accent by watching Last of the Summer Wine, said: “Tom does talk like he’s got a lump of coal in his mouth. They all do. It’s probably coming from a family of miners that does it.

“It’d be weird of me not to start singing On Ilkley Moor Baht ‘At every time he comes into the office. He’s Northern, you see. It needs constantly pointing out.

“I’m surprised he doesn’t laugh a lot more when I say things like ‘Eh oop, there’s many a mickle as makes a muckle’ and ‘There’s nowt like t’brass band music’.

“Instead, he just stares at me. I think when he hears my uncannily accurate Northern accent it takes him back to his Yorkshire childhood, doing the bread rounds in the cobbled streets with his whippet.”

Booker, who has a degree from Cambridge and no connection to the mining industry, said: “Actually I’m thinking of buying a loaf of Hovis and ramming it up his arse.”

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Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

Tory MPs are sure Johnson will not only entertain everyone during long meetings, but also help secure a good deal by reminding foreigners the British are superior.

Former Brexit minister David Davis said: “Boris livens up meetings by saying hilarious yet tactful stuff like ‘No need for Gestapo tactics, Angela!’

“Cowardly Italians, sexy Scandinavians, oversexed Frenchmen – the zingers just keep coming. Also he really knows his history so he can effortlessly throw in a joke about Agincourt or Waterloo.

“Once he ran around for 12 minutes pretending to be a Lancaster bomber attacking Dresden.

“The war jokes will remind them Britain always wins so they may as well give in. There’s no way they’ll just get pissed off and stick massive tariffs on everything.”

Johnson said: “I’m looking forward to hammering out a deal with the EU with lots of jibes about ‘collaborating’ and ‘blitzing it’, plus some other remarks about things like ‘soggy biscuit’ that only make sense if you attended a British public school.

“It definitely doesn’t make me look like some insufferable sixth-form tw*t who thinks he’s being desperately edgy.”