Man who's agreed to 'massive night' hoping something disastrous will happen

A MAN who has agreed to a big night out with mates is praying there will be some sort of disaster so he can be in bed by 10pm.

Tom Logan really does not fancy it and is fantasising that personal injury or events beyond his control will mean he can cancel or just have two pints.

Logan, 42, said: “I’m a bit tired and would really prefer to stay in with the TV, so a flash flood causing panic and mayhem would be ideal. Or riots. Please let there be riots.

“I’m not holding out too much hope for that, so I’m hoping I’ll sprain an ankle. I’m not sure how that will happen but I’m planning to walk around really clumsily while I get ready.

“Sadly I’ll probably end up meeting the lads for a great night, but there’s always the chance of a city-wide electricity outage. People would probably die, but we’d definitely have to go home after that.”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Tom’s always like this until his fifth pint and then he ends up dragging us round a load of shit late-night bars and we wish he’d stayed in.”


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Five things to do that are slightly less miserable than watching The Handmaid's Tale

IF you want to feel distressed and unhappy you could watch the new series of The Handmaid’s Tale, or you could slam your hand in a drawer 78 times. Here are some other ideas.

Have a Saw marathon

It’s easier to immerse yourself in misery with straightforward torture porn than a quality TV anxiety fest. Also the latter is far more likely to keep you awake at night than the head-ripping-off machine in Saw 2.

Go to a boot camp class

You’ll feel breathless, sick and want to kill yourself, just like you do after watching The Handmaid’s Tale, but the exercise will do you good. 

Listen to Morrissey on repeat

The music of Morrissey often makes you feel as if you want to lie down and die, and his political beliefs are increasingly fascist, so you’ll feel like you’re in Gilead already, just minus the haunting visuals.

Watch the news

Current events are a terrifying dystopia but at least this one is real and you aren’t just shitting yourself up for ‘entertainment’. It’s also useful to keep an eye on what’s happening, in case Britain goes full Trump and you might get put in a camp.

Punch yourself in the face

It’s traumatic, upsetting and self-inflicted, just like watching The Handmaid’s Tale. However at worst you’ll have a painful black eye or lose a tooth, so it’s very much the cheeriest option.