A few of the more useless f*ckers to go today, Tories promise

THE Conservative leadership race will today shed a few of its more useless, hapless and hopeless f*ckers, the Tories have promised.

The first ballot will mean anyone who does not have 17 supporters – which is pathetic when you think about it – is eliminated from the contest and officially unpopular forever.

Julian Cook, MP for Daventry, said: “Goodbye, Esther McVey. Farewell, Andrea Leadsom. So long, Mark Harbour. Oh. Apparently it’s Harper.

“In every contest there must be ballast to make up the numbers, but tragically the no-hopers on The Apprentice or in the FA Cup third round have no idea it’s them and genuinely believe they can win.

“So let’s make it explicit: everyone eliminated today is sh*t. They will never be leader. They will never hold a key cabinet post. They are no more than bog-standard MPs with laughable delusions.

“After today everyone will know. You dared to dream and you shouldn’t have because nobody likes you because you’re a w*nker.”

Cook added: “I’m voting for Rory Stewart. He won’t win but he winds the others up.”