A few of the more useless f*ckers to go today, Tories promise

THE Conservative leadership race will today shed a few of its more useless, hapless and hopeless f*ckers, the Tories have promised.

The first ballot will mean anyone who does not have 17 supporters – which is pathetic when you think about it – is eliminated from the contest and officially unpopular forever.

Julian Cook, MP for Daventry, said: “Goodbye, Esther McVey. Farewell, Andrea Leadsom. So long, Mark Harbour. Oh. Apparently it’s Harper.

“In every contest there must be ballast to make up the numbers, but tragically the no-hopers on The Apprentice or in the FA Cup third round have no idea it’s them and genuinely believe they can win.

“So let’s make it explicit: everyone eliminated today is sh*t. They will never be leader. They will never hold a key cabinet post. They are no more than bog-standard MPs with laughable delusions.

“After today everyone will know. You dared to dream and you shouldn’t have because nobody likes you because you’re a w*nker.”

Cook added: “I’m voting for Rory Stewart. He won’t win but he winds the others up.”

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Michael Gove's guide to cocaine parties

HAVE you been invited to a cocaine party but are worried you won’t know what to do? Here Michael Gove explains all you need to know.

Play it cool

When you arrive at a cocaine party, don’t say “Excuse me, everyone, I’d like some drugs, please”. Instead play it cool and whisper to each guest, “Who’s holding the nose candy, baby? I wanna get hiiiggghhh.”

Be aware of the effects

Cocaine makes you talkative and removes inhibitions. This is good because you can hold forth on pet topics such as EU fisheries policy or your love of steam locomotives without realising everyone wants you to f*ck off, as usual.

Don’t sneeze and blow the cocaine everywhere

This has never happened to me but I saw it in the Woody Allen film Annie Hall. Goodness, Woody Allen, what a weird, dysfunctional little runt in glasses he is! You have to feel sorry for the guy.

Remember cocaine is a drug that ‘makes things happen’

If you’ve taken enough cocaine you can find yourself doing crazy, irresponsible things you wouldn’t normally, such as staying up until 1am to watch the end of a film or dipping a bourbon biscuit in a pot of double cream.

Don’t be a w*nker about it

Avoid toe-curling slang such as ‘Colombian marching powder’ or ‘showbiz sherbert’. Refer to cocaine in a mature and normal way, such as ‘groovy dudes’ staying-up-late nasal flour’.

Call the police

Although I have taken cocaine in the past, as a Tory leadership candidate I now feel differently about the issue. If you go to a party where drugs are being used, call 999 and hope your friends get 12 years each, the law-breaking scum.