WORRIED your sex life has shrivelled and died whilst everyone else is at it hammer-and tongs? Here’s how to measure your love action against the national average.
Flirt at work
Joking flirtations based on how little sex you get at home not only reveal how desperately horny you are, they probe into whether others are getting any. Anyone staring into the middle distance and smiling broadly is clearly getting loads, the bastard.
Share your troubles anonymously online
Take to Reddit and admit how little sex you’re getting where, according to community, you will be mocked, ridiculed, advised you might be queer, ordered to hate everyone or go viral.
Spy on your neighbours
Do hands-on research by drilling a discreet hole in the party wall and seeing what next-door get up to. You could even miss opportunities for sex while peeping.
Bring it up after the third pint every single time
Unknowingly develop a reputation for always, without fail, asking about friends’ sex lives after the third pint is sunk. Bear in mind anyone who says ‘Yeah, I’m red raw this week,’ has been lying since first saying it, aged 16, in 1995.
And stop bloody worrying.