Brexit to revive struggling Readers' Wives industry

A HARD Brexit would give the UK’s struggling Readers’ Wives industry the shot in the arm it needs to survive, experts believe. 

Under no-deal European pornography imports would face heavy tariffs, giving homegrown amateurs an opportunity to effectively take over the lower end of the market.

Dr Denys Finch Hatton, professor of porn at the University of Buckingham, said: “Without the EU, and with no trade deal with the USA, we would be forced to become erotically self-sufficient.

“Necessity is the mother of invention, or in this case the MILF. The UK could draw on its untapped wife reserves and, if it can get past the glasses and the dubiously-decorated lounge, still triumph.

“We have relied on imported grot for too long and it’s hurt our bottom line – and our pride.”

Reader’s Wife Joanna Kramer said: “When I first got into the industry, whether on the bonnet of a Ford Escort or in the bathroom of a suburban Wimpey, we knew that we were helping Britain. Foreign jazz mags took that away.

“It’s long past time we had a return to looking at pictures of naked ladies and wondering whether you recognise them from the tills at Asda.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

No-deal Brexit is the policy of a f**king idiot and I am that idiot, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has confirmed that only a f**king halfwit would support no-deal Brexit and he is that man. 

The prime minister believes the UK would rather have a massive economic disaster delivered on deadline than anything better later, and that only he is cretinous enough to do it.

He said: “I have no allegiance to reality. For far too long it has disregarded my views. I have no qualms about abandoning it entirely.

“I do not want Brexit to prove I am hard, like Dominic Raab, or to take revenge on the Scousers who bullied me at school like Esther McVey. I want it, like Britain, because I am stupid enough to believe it will benefit me personally.

“While superficially intelligent I am more than happy to be my country’s idiot on this one. Like a general in World War One, I will see you all slaughtered in order that I be proved right.

“I promise I will f*ck this up. Look at my track record. That’s a promise you can trust.”

Brexiter Margaret Gerving said: “What if he’s only faking being stupid? That’s my big concern. But on the whole I think not.”