‘Spa weekends’ are just drugs and gigolos, admit women

LUXURY spa breaks are just a cover for a two days of drug-fuelled debauchery with hired escorts, women have admitted. 

Pampering weekends begin with no-holds-barred coke-rushing sex with your hunky hand-picked companion on arrival and only get more extreme from there.

Francesa Johnson said: “Shit. I suppose it was bound to get out eventually.

“Yeah, you pick your guy via webcam, move the sliders to correspond to your particular interests, pick from the menu of artisanal MDMA, ketamine or whatever, and once you’re there they do everything for you. Everything.

“It is relaxing, in a sense, while also being a very strenuous and thorough workout, and we definitely return refreshed and glowing and full of vigour, so it wasn’t a lie. More a lie by omission.

“Why did you think they were so popular for hen nights? Did you honestly think we were just strolling about in white towels with mud on our faces?”

She added: “The hot cups? No. No, you’re not ready to know what ‘hot cup’ really is.”