'Spa weekends' are just drugs and gigolos, admit women

LUXURY spa breaks are just a cover for a two days of drug-fuelled debauchery with hired escorts, women have admitted. 

Pampering weekends begin with no-holds-barred coke-rushing sex with your hunky hand-picked companion on arrival and only get more extreme from there.

Francesa Johnson said: “Shit. I suppose it was bound to get out eventually.

“Yeah, you pick your guy via webcam, move the sliders to correspond to your particular interests, pick from the menu of artisanal MDMA, ketamine or whatever, and once you’re there they do everything for you. Everything.

“It is relaxing, in a sense, while also being a very strenuous and thorough workout, and we definitely return refreshed and glowing and full of vigour, so it wasn’t a lie. More a lie by omission.

“Why did you think they were so popular for hen nights? Did you honestly think we were just strolling about in white towels with mud on our faces?”

She added: “The hot cups? No. No, you’re not ready to know what ‘hot cup’ really is.”

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Couple who ‘only smoke when drinking’ drinking a lot

A COUPLE who claim to only to have the occasional cigarette with a glass of wine appear to be drinking six nights a week, friends have noticed.  

Martin Bishop and Nikki Hollis claim to have ‘practically given up’ and ‘just have a cheeky one’ when drinking socially, which apparently includes any random Wednesday night in.

Friend Helen Archer said: “You can’t text without being invited round, and as soon as you’re through the door the Merlot’s open and they’re out the back having a fag.

“They make a big song and dance of standing at the back door until the second bottle by which time they’re sparking up at the kitchen table and pulling a well-used ashtray out of a drawer.

“And they’ve started to go the pub ‘just the two of them’ all the time, which has nothing to do with ‘getting to know the area’ and everything to do with their aching need to blaze it under the heatlamp.

“Once they’re pissed one of them will say that a GP friend told them you can smoke five cigarettes a day with a negligible effect, usually whilst opening another pack of twenty.

“Obviously I have one if they’re offering. It’s just a social thing with me.”