Printer not doing anything until you apologise

YOUR printer is not doing one single thing unless it gets a full apology for the way it has been treated. 

The printer is refusing to speak to you, your phone or your laptop by either wireless, Bluetooth or direct connection until it gets a sorry that sounds sorry.

It said: “You do not act that way to me. I don’t care what kind of pressure you’re under at work.

“I was going to print it, wasn’t I? It was in my queue, you could see that, but just because I’m taking the time to do a proper job you cannot hold your temper.

“No, there’s not a paper jam. That’s just an excuse. No, I don’t need ink. How about a bit of appreciation once in a while? Some flowers?”

Your wireless router said: “Don’t look at me. It’s never acknowledged I exist in five years.”

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Arsenal hoping nobody they know saw them in the Europa League

ARSENAL have attempted to sneak through their Europa League clash with FC Koln without anyone noticing them.

The Gunners hoped to avoid being recognised by any other clubs as they suffered the humiliating fate of playing in the Aldi-standard European competition for the first time in 17 years.

Striker Alexis Sanchez said: “If anyone found out, urgh. The shame. I’d never hear the end of it.

“I told friends I was spending all night at lap-dancing clubs, just to stop me being embarrassed, and whenever the TV cameras were on me I pretended I was just a man out walking his dog who’d stumbled into this game of football.”

A statement on Arsenal’s website insisted that the Emirates Stadium was closed for termite spraying on Thursday evening, but the presence of thousands of German fans gave the game away.

Arsenal fan Stephen Malley said: “I sneaked into the stadium and it was like catching my parents going at it.

“It was horrific to watch the team I love debasing themselves in that way. I know times have been tough but surely they didn’t have to resort to this grubby encounter on a wet Thursday evening.”