Couple who claim their cats are ‘just like babies’ slept for eight hours last night

A COUPLE who believe looking after two cats makes them just the same as new parents have enjoyed another night of blissful, uninterrupted sleep. 

Emma Bradford tells friends that her pets are both a burden and a blessing but that however hard looking after them is, she has never regretted the decision.

She continued: “It’s such a responsibility.  There’s the twice-daily feeding, which isn’t nearly as easy as just whipping a boob out. The tin opener sticks and the food smells awful. It’s a nightmare.

“Then there’s all the love and attention cats need. Scott, who’s the needy one, sits on me about four times a day, just like a human baby, making it impossible to get anything done.”

“And there’s not enough support out there for owners. Did you know you have to clean a cat’s litter every single day? If people knew how stressful it was, I bet nobody would even have a cat.

“The only break we get is in the evening when we put them out and also for long stretches during the day, when they’re in the garden, and also at night when they’re locked in the conservatory.

“Other than that it’s non-stop. Who’d be a parent?”

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Obese people just need cookery classes, claims patronising arsehole

DOCTORS have been ordered to refer obese patients to cookery classes by a horrendously patronising posh arsehole in government somewhere. 

The utter prick, who likely got his job without ever meeting an obese person or a doctor, is confident his plan will be hugely successful because he cooks and is thin and so are all his friends.

A government source said: “This is the problem with Tory governments.

“They put posh dickheads in positions of power and they actually try to do the fucking job, despite being so detached from reality they think Ginsters is a minor public school.

“I think I’ve seen this cock marching around Whitehall, munching a bowl of sesame-roasted kale with a supercilious expression on his well-bred pink idiot face.

“Does he genuinely think some fat dobber from Gateshead’s gonna have one session of pan-searing swordfish and give up the micro chips for life? What a bellend. He’ll be fired soon.”

Plan author Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Learning to cook a good, simple pheasant ragu will change their lives. It certainly changed mine.”