Student realises his life is polar opposite of Jack Wills advert

A STUDENT having a post-wank piece of toast has realised his existence could not be less like Jack Wills’ depiction of university life.

19-year-old English undergraduate Wayne Hayes lives in a depressing shared house where he masturbates and eats poor quality food, in sharp contrast to the clothing brand’s adverts showing tanned students in weird American-style beach scenes.

He said: “I’m not particularly good-looking, nor are my friends. Rather than exuding confidence and health, I regularly go for 48 hours without stepping outside.

“Surely I should be sitting in front of some surfboards with four or five impossibly toned friends called things like ‘Chad’ and ‘Amber’, and we’re all laughing just because we’re so amazing.

“Then we all drive up to some clifftop viewpoint and marvel at how meaningful the sunset is before going back to our immaculate dormitory for a pillow fight in our pants. Isn’t that how most students live?

“I might go the shop later for a packet of Monster Munch, that’s about as good as it’s going to get today.”

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Woman’s vegetarian 'fad' passes 30-year mark

THE parents of a 45-year-old vegetarian woman are confident that she will soon start eating meat again.

Although Emma Bradford has staunchly refused to eat any form of animal flesh for three decades, her parents continue to serve her meat at every available opportunity.

Father Tom Bradford said: “She’s only doing it because her friends are all doing it, or at least they were in 1988.

“Tomorrow she will snap out of it and admit that she’s craving a nice bacon sandwich, like someone waking from a coma.”

He added: “She won’t even eat chicken and that’s not meat, it’s poultry.”

Emma Bradford said: “It gets a bit frustrating digging the hidden pieces of meat out of my mashed potato and picking them out of my wine.

“Sometimes my mum does her ‘don’t vegetables have feelings too?’ argument which frankly isn’t that strong as carrots don’t even have faces.”

Tom Bradford added: “I am quite confident it’s why her marriage failed, and I often tell her that because it’s my way of being a good parent.

“I’d actually rather she was into drugs because at least we could still sit down together and talk about the variable quality of Tesco sausages.”