Surprise! I'm a prepayment meter!

TA-DAAAAH! Yep, you thought I was a mere smart meter, your energy usage calculating pal, but actually I’m a prepayment meter!

Yes, all that was required was for you to fall slightly behind on your bills and, like Optimus Prime changing from truck to robot, I’m now controlling your access to heat and light!

Bet you didn’t expect that! Because your energy supplier forgot to mention it when bombarding you with letters offering you a smart meter! I wonder why?

But seriously now, I need to see some money. No, I’m not like those old gas meters you had to feed with 50p pieces, or the 90s ones with a prepayment card. I’m all modern and online.

Just log into the website and have your bank card handy. The price? Well, it’s a little higher than you’re used to paying. After all, I can’t work for free.

Eh? You want rid of me, your energy-rationing pal? Why, we’ve not even had any adventures together, like me cutting off the electricity during your crucial Zoom interview, or leaving you without heating in a blizzard.

If you insist on being churlish about it, fine. Just pay off all your existing debt plus enough upfront for a ridiculously overestimated direct debit, and I’ll reluctantly go back to being the smart meter you ignore.

What’s that? You can’t afford it? Well, it looks like your surprise new buddy is here to stay!

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Man carefully positions bookcase in background of dick pic

A MAN who is hoping women will see him for the intellectual he is has put a well-stocked bookshelf in the dick pics he sends them. 

When sending a photo of his genitals to dozens of unsuspecting women on Tinder, Nathan Muir, 30, makes sure he uses the ingenious way of showing there is more to him than just an erect penis.

Muir said: “Women these days seemingly aren’t content with just a photograph of my epic hog. Apparently they also want a guy with a ‘personality’ and ‘interests’. So I snapped my cock in front of my bookcase.

“At first I tried taking a photo with my dong out in my local library because they’ve got a bigger selection of books and the lighting was better than in my flat. But for some reason the librarian was pissed off and called the police. I wasn’t even being noisy.

“Now I’m hoping one of the honeys I sent the picture to is going to say, ‘Wow, what a beautiful member – and is that a copy of Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules of Life? The least I can do is send this really intelligent guy a picture of my tits.’”

After receiving the photo from Muir, Lucy Parry said: “At first I couldn’t understand why someone had sent me an image of a withered, hairy gherkin in front of a load of Dan Brown novels. Then I realised what it was and blocked the account.”