IGNORE my millions everyone, because I’m just like you guys and definitely use the NHS all the time. Here’s my step-by-step guide to getting a GP appointment.
Ring as soon as they open
GPs are very busy – because of the pandemic, remember, not Tory underfunding – so you’ve got to ring the surgery as soon as it opens. I get my assistant to do it, but maybe you could ask your small children. Please don’t go direct to A&E. We’re running out of corridors to put trolleys in and having to leave people on the roof in a cagoule.
Carefully explain your symptoms
The phone will be answered by a cheerful and not-at-all-horrifically-overworked-and-miserable receptionist. Explain your symptoms with as much detail as possible. When they say ‘That’s enough information, I’ve got 102 other people waiting’ remind them that you’ll soon be privatising their job and giving it to a robot. Oh, sorry, only I can say that.
Wait for a call back
Once you’ve explained your problem you’ll have to wait a while for the doctor to ring you back. Will it be one hour or six hours? No one knows, which is part of the fun. In the meantime, you can do something useful, like pop to the shops. I’ve got a private jet so I’ll nip to Paris for a coffee and my favourite fromage.
Treat your doctor with respect
When your doctor or nurse finally calls, it’s important to be nice to them even if you’re in severe pain or vomiting into a bucket. You certainly shouldn’t accuse them of being greedy Bolshevik bastards who are constantly striking and should be grateful for getting a free stethoscope. That would be rude, so I only say it in cabinet meetings.
Say ‘F**k this’ and call Bupa instead
Yes, I said I was registered with the NHS but that doesn’t mean I actually use it. Important people like me can’t be expected to use such a shit service, shame you guys have to put up with it. So I’ve no choice but to ring Bupa while you lot make your own splints and cauterise your wounds on the gas fire. It’s unfair, but you should have thought about that when you decided to be poor.