Teenagers turn short train journey into massive f**king drama

A GROUP of teenagers has managed to turn a 25-minute rail journey into a tiresome drama starring themselves, it has emerged.

Other passengers were able to watch Nikki Hollis and her friends shrieking, running around and getting hysterical over nothing during the entirely uneventful journey.

Hollis, 15, said: “We’d just got on when I received a text from Lucy saying she’s not into Simon anymore, so obviously I had to scream really loudly to register my surprise.

“Then Kate started getting one of her panic attacks due to being in an enclosed space and we all had to keep shouting at her to keep calm and breathe deeply.

“Luckily it passed but Jason thought we might be on the wrong train and had to sprint down the carriage to look at the map and shout, ‘Fuck! Where the FUCK are we?’

“All the stress was too much for Gavin and he got really depressed. He’s been in a really dark place since his goldfish died.

“Somehow we made it to Nuneaton, but then Lucy phoned to say she thinks she’s lost her geography coursework. Why does all this crazy shit keep happening to us?”

Commuter Stephen Malley said: “I doubt I’ll be able to sleep tonight for worrying about Stacey thinking Gemma was really nice but it turning out she’s fake.”

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Man steeling himself for two hours of helping with cooking

A FATHER-OF-TWO is psyching himself up to assist with the cooking on Christmas Day.

Stephen Malley has been preparing for his annual foray into the kitchen by telling everyone he knows that he cooks ‘an epic feast’ on Christmas Day.

Malley said: “My wife does such an incredible job looking after our family that sacrificing two hours of Xbox time to effortlessly nail Christmas dinner is the least I could do. It’s a big thing though, probably on a par with the D-Day landings.”

Malley’s wife Susie said: “He enters the kitchen with a beer around 11.30am and peels some potatoes before finding a reason to take out the rubbish and not come back for an hour.”

Malley said: “I’m on it with the veg peeling, the chopping, not to mention working out how the hob and oven work. 

“By the time we sit down for lunch I can’t face going back in the kitchen to do the washing up.

“But, in a way, cooking the Christmas meal is like my present to my wife.

“Actually it is my present to my wife. That and a shit novel called Diary of a Chelsea Girl.”