Television now like books

TELEVISED entertainment is mostly for clever people and snobs, it has been claimed.

New figures show that TV watching continues to decline while YouTube, the video landfill site, has reported a 60 percent increase in average shit-absorption times.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Television programmes are hampered by their need for some sort of vague context, even if it’s just ‘these people all live in Essex’.

“The languid pacing and narrative complexity of, for example, Embarrassing Bodies and Don’t Tell The Bride are far too intellectually demanding for a generation raised on the mental oblivion of 20 second bursts of non-related colourful moving objects that are deemed either ‘funny’ or ‘sexy’.

“Telly is now like books. It is  something only Stephen Fry likes and other people who want to be Stephen Fry pretend to like.”

Parent Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I’m always trying to drag my children away from the internet, tempting them over to the television with some crisps.

“But sadly they find it all too slow and complicated, and they hate that the dead bodies aren’t actually real. But that’s progress, I suppose.”

He added: “What with all the video libraries closing, soon kids will be entirely cut off from the joy of old-fashioned communal screen-based entertainment. Much as George Orwell has been forgotten, so will Keith Lemon.”

Internet video fan Emma Bradford said: “Telly is good for those times when you want to learn something.

“Sometimes I pretend to have watched Top Gear so that people think I’m deep.”


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Tax statements to be tailored to your idiotic, tribal prejudice

TAXPAYERS are to receive a detailed breakdown of how their money was spent that is indvidually tailored to their cretinous world view.

Chancellor George Osborne said he wants the public to know more about government spending and for them to use that information to become even more entrenched in their deliberate stupidity.

Tax offices across the UK will issue bespoke statements that will fill individuals with both righteous anger and the realisation that they are the cleverest person in the world.

A Treasury spokesman said: “Right wing people will see exactly how much of their money is being spent on ‘wacky-baccy-bongs, general poovery and that lazy Bulgarian scrounger who’s trying to fuck your wife’.

“Left wingers will see how much of their tax is going on ‘fat cat weapons of mass destruction and faith-based child molestation’.

“And spineless intellectual types can complain about how information is dangerous in the hands of people who aren’t them.”

Meanwhile, experts have suggested the detailed breakdown of welfare spending must also include the phrase ‘You, you fucking idiot’.