EVERYONE’S got Thou Shalt Not Kill by now, and coveting thy neighbour’s ox isn’t what it was. Follow these ten new commandments for modern life:
Thou shall not wear Crocs, even on weekends.
Email not your employees or colleagues when on well-deserved holidays, nor texteth them in the evening.
Thou shalt use thy indicators when driving for other motorists art not able to gaze into the intent of your soul, knobhead.
Buy thee not the Mail nor the Sun, for loathsome rags are they that doth inspire hatred in their readers for their fellow man. Nor is exempt the Guardian.
Come not together with your fellow man in a Twitter mob, lest you one day be that main character of Twitter.
Honour thy waiters and waitresses, for they doth not deserve to put up with thy bellendery. Yea, and honour them in cash so the chain takes not 20 per cent.
Worship not the false idol of your phone while in the cinema for it distracteth from the movie, nor discourse with thy neighbour, nor munch loudly on sustenance.
Shirk not your responsibility and getteth thy round in at the pub, even if some bastard orders Negronis.
Send not dick pics to anyone unless they specifically requesteth them, which they shall not.