Ten new commandments for modern life

EVERYONE’S got Thou Shalt Not Kill by now, and coveting thy neighbour’s ox isn’t what it was. Follow these ten new commandments for modern life: 

Thou shall not wear Crocs, even on weekends.

Email not your employees or colleagues when on well-deserved holidays, nor texteth them in the evening.

Thou shalt use thy indicators when driving for other motorists art not able to gaze into the intent of your soul, knobhead.

Buy thee not the Mail nor the Sun, for loathsome rags are they that doth inspire hatred in their readers for their fellow man. Nor is exempt the Guardian.

Come not together with your fellow man in a Twitter mob, lest you one day be that main character of Twitter.

Honour thy waiters and waitresses, for they doth not deserve to put up with thy bellendery. Yea, and honour them in cash so the chain takes not 20 per cent.

Worship not the false idol of your phone while in the cinema for it distracteth from the movie, nor discourse with thy neighbour, nor munch loudly on sustenance.

Shirk not your responsibility and getteth thy round in at the pub, even if some bastard orders Negronis.

Send not dick pics to anyone unless they specifically requesteth them, which they shall not.

Neverspoons, verily.

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Woman shaves six milliseconds off time between putting on heels and regretting it

A WOMAN has scored a new personal best in her time between putting on heels for the day and deeply regretting it. 

Emma Howard, aged 31, once again judged her personal love of having slightly longer legs to outweigh her hatred of balancing on sticks, and realised she had made the wrong choice just 9.83 seconds after it was too late to change it.

She said: “It’s so liberating. Other women don’t realise it was a bad idea to wear heels at 10.35pm, when they carry them to get away from shouting drunk blokes.

“But these days I can spot that I’ve made an agonising mistake seconds after walking down three flights of stairs from my flat and if I go back I’ll miss the bus.

“I can spend the whole day relaxed in the knowledge that I’ll be walking far slower, I’ll be knackered and everything will be that little bit more f**king dreadful. Hooray for me.”

Emma will spend the day with her colleagues Amy, who can recognise within minutes that her bra will give her backache and Kelly, British record-holder for realising her knickers will spend all day riding up her arse.