THE government has moved Freedom Day back by four weeks after hearing a further delay could shut down Britain’s nightclubs forever.
Boris Johnson is to announce that Britain has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to eradicate the scourge of nightclubs from our shores and that we owe it to future generations to act now.
The prime minister will continue: “We had always targeted June 21st for the re-opening of nightclubs, those dark, packed hellholes through which viruses spread as swiftly as violence.
“Then Professor Whitty, who once got punched in then thrown out of King of Clubs for supposedly looking at someone’s bird, realised that if we made the right decisions now we could not just reduce nightclubs but eliminate them entirely.
“No more paying an entrance fee of £11 to buy drinks for £16. No more dancing to deafening club mixes of shitty pop songs. No more DJs. Imagine it, Britain. No more f**king DJs.
“If the more virulent clubs which have already evaded our best efforts to exterminate them, like Fabric, survive then we may be forced to extend futher. But what we are doing is undoubtedly in the best interests of the people of this country.”
20-year-old Sophie Rodriguez said: “The prime minister has my full and unequivocal backing. It’s for the good of humanity.”