Five rich person problems to moan about at the school gates

WORRIED people don’t realise you are substantially more successful than they are? Make it clear with these topics:

The shortage of holiday homes in Cornwall

It’s a total nightmare, everything within two miles of Mousehole is being snapped up by bastard second-home owners. You, however, are in genuine need because little Noah’s sailing teacher says he’ll never make the Olympic team without ocean race experience.

Parking spaces are too small for your SUV

You’re obliged to drive down the middle of all the local roads to protect your shiny paintwork, but where are you supposed to actually stop? The spaces at Waitrose are simply not big enough, which is why you are forced to park horizontally across three of them at once.

Your partner’s PA wants to keep working from home

Your partner wants their PA back in the office, because it is status-enhancing to have a gatekeeper between them and the millennials who have returned to work to escape their crowded flatshares. The PA’s sob story about wanting to see her toddler is so unconvincing. Surely people have a nanny for that?

You can’t find an au pair because of Brexit

Formerly cheap as chips, or rather frites, you are now having to contemplate paying someone over £25,600 in order that they can enter the country. Which is a bit of a pain, but still better than the tedium of having to read your own child a bedtime story every evening.

You’ve got to get home to let the gardener in

Having staff is so awkward and constraining. The other day the gardener knocked the new pizza oven into the hot tub while turning the ride-on mower. Having perfect parallel stripes on the beautifully manicured lawn is almost more trouble than it’s worth.

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Six deliberately irritating questions to ask during the match

NOT understanding the offside rule is for amateurs. Try these questions to get your football-loving companion truly enraged:

Which one’s Mo Salah?

A simple yet infuriating question to kick things off. Match their impatient clarification of Mo Salah not being English by pointing out Liverpool is in England. Watch them become increasingly annoyed and their forehead bead with sweat.

Why are there three lions on the shirts then?

A good one to bring in during a free kick. A difficult discussion about the history of England’s livery and emblems, and the point at which patriotism slides into nationalism, will really wind them up.

They have VAR so why are you shouting that it’s wrong?

Mentioning VAR is always an easy shortcut if you want to see a vein pop after a goal has been disallowed. Add that you believe constantly pausing the game for maximum accuracy really improves the sport and they’ll start fantasising about throttling you.

So is this part of the European Super League?

A back-up in the chance that they have no strong feelings on VAR. Brace yourself for a long, angry rant about the game’s rich heritage and the death of football as we know it, even though the ESL has been canned.

Just what did happen in the Balkans?

The minutes are ticking on and your companion is boringly calm, but do not lose hope. Start hassling them with the nitty-gritty of late 20th century conflict, preferably when someone from England has the ball.

Is that dirt on the screen?

Both you and the game are into injury time so it’s time to pull out your silkiest moves. Thoroughly investigate and clean a smear in the corner of the screen, ensuring that the back of your head is all that can be seen during the precious final moments of the match.