Terminally Ill Woman Wins Right To Be Blown Up By The Army

A TERMINALLY-ill woman has won a landmark court victory giving her the right to be blown up by the Army.

Margaret Hobbs, who suffers from a rare and incurable form of hay fever, has campaigned for six years for the right to end her life using one of Britain's most respected artillery regiments.

The 40 year-old, from Stevenage, said: "This is a victory for every terminally ill person who doesn't want to die tediously in some dreary Swiss clinic surrounded by unarmed bores."

The Court of Appeal yesterday awarded Mrs Johnson the right to wander around a minefield on Salisbury Plain while being bombarded by L118 field guns from the Royal Artillery's 29th Commando Regiment.

But Dr Norman Steele, vice-chairman of the British Medical Association, criticised the decision. "Doctors are always keen to ensure that the patient's end of life wishes are respected, but that is very, very different from being blown to smithereens."

Mrs Hobbs' husband Roy, 42, said he would be more than willing to help aim the gun and fire it, adding: "It won't be easy. I've never used a light howitzer with live rounds."

An Army spokesman said: "We did originally offer to strap her to an old Sierra and lob grenades through the sunroof, but she was very keen that we use some kind of concealed explosive with the howitzers as a back up."

He added: "Thankfully she decided not to go for the anti‐tank mine. They're quite large and relatively expensive and it would have taken us hours to find all the bits."

Londoners Edge Closer To Reading Books

THE closure of The London Paper has pushed the capital's commuters on step closer to reading books or perhaps even talking to each other, it was claimed last night.

The Rupert Murdoch-owned freesheet has been under threat since mid-July when Tom Logan, an accountant from Camden, got up from his seat on the Northern Line and shouted, 'hang on a minute, this is filled with shite'.

A recent reader survey showed that while 20% used the paper to avoid eye contact with the crotch-rubber sat opposite, almost 80% were homeless people using it for insulation, lighting fires and, from October to March, food.

'Rancid' Bill McKay, who pokes around the bins near Covent Garden, said: "The Metro has a more subtle, spicy flavour. But The London Paper is okay if you mix it with a bit of pesto."

Transport for London has recorded conversational gambits to be relayed on trains and buses to help spark discussions between passengers who have grown used to viewing strangers as knife-carrying sacks of meat.

Early ideas include 'What does Boris Johnson smell like?', 'What's that on the floor?' and, for all stops east of Bank, 'If they can't learn the fackin' language, they should fackin' well go home '.

Julian Cook, a PR executive from Finchley, said: "I've got a copy of A Suitable Boy I've been trying to avoid reading for about four years.

"It may be time to strap on some nuts and finally get through the bastard."