'3D Dog Turd' Smashes Box Office Records

RECORD numbers of movie-goers across Britain are queuing up to be bombarded with giant lumps of three dimensional faeces.

Critics say 3D Dog Turd is a 'visual feast' that will redefine how Hollywood sells steaming piles of crap to increasingly demanding audiences.

Wayne Hayes, editor of MovieSplash magazine, said: "It's like the turd's right in your face. It moves left and right and up and down, it spins around quickly and slowly. Amazing.

"At one point you actually go inside it. It was so realistic I thought I was going to have to wipe the shit off my 3D glasses."

Jackie Pearce, a mother-of-two, from Grantham, said: "My kids loved it. It was exciting, funny and made them want to learn more about excrement."

3D Dog Turd II is already in production and will tell the story of a baby turd that runs away from a circus and teams up with a used handkerchief and a funny pigeon.

Screenwriter Stephen Malley said: "The sequel will be a much more intricate vision. You actually see the dog doing the turd. It's a Dalmatian so the merchandising opportunities will be huge."

He added: "But we also want the audience to think about some deeper issues, like why no one's picked up the turd, but still staying within the crowd-pleasing formula of some dog mess that appears to go in and out of the screen."

3D Dog Turd producer Don Franciscus said: "The idea struck me during Transformers II. A lightbulb came on in my head, like Gallileo sitting under the apple tree, and I thought, 'why not make a film that's actually about shit'."

He added: "I've just greenlit 3D Owl Pellet and 4D Rotting Vole in Sense-o-matic Surround-o-vision. They will make Titanic look like a film that should never, ever have won Best Picture."

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Yorkshire Ripper To Dig For Oil

YORKSHIRE Ripper Peter Sutcliffe has begun digging for oil beneath his Broadmoor cell in the hope of bribing the authorities into letting him go.

In the event of a successful strike Sutcliffe hopes to negotiate his early release in return for full exploration rights and a series of generous tax concessions.

A Broadmoor source said: “As a back-up he’s applied to join the Libyan secret service. He’s written a lovely letter to Colonel Gadaffi and has hired an Arabic translator to help him fill in all the forms.”

The move came as the Scottish government released terminally-ill Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al-Megrahi in time for Ramadan, the Islamic festival of onshore drilling.

Insisting the release was on compassionate grounds, Scottish justice secretary, Kenny MacAskill, said: “Jail is a terrible thing. I remember sitting in a police cell shortly after I was banged up for being completely arseholed at Wembley in 1999 and thinking, ‘no one shoud have to put up with this, no matter how drunk they are, or how many planes they’ve blown up’.”

He added: “And anyway prostate cancer is, quite frankly, a bugger. When you’re facing mortality the last thing you need is to be bothered by a lot of insensitive prison officers and their noisy, jangling keys.”

Meanwhile Scottish government sources stressed the Libyan’s appeal was unlikely to have been heard before he died, mainly because it takes so long to say his full name.

But al-Megrahi’s release has angered the British public with many claiming that when it comes to reasons for denying someone compassion, mass murder is about as good as it gets.

Tom Logan, an accountant from Finsbury Park, said: “If someone who had killed 270 people told me they had cancer, my natural reaction would be to say ‘that must be just awful for you, I hope it’s really sore’.

“I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t come up with some bullshit excuse and then organise a private jet to fly them home.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: “Harold Shipman would never have been released on compassionate grounds and he was a doctor so he would have been really good at faking it.”