THE new Sony PS3 games console will suck more of your existence into a vortex of pointlessness than the Nintendo Wii and the X-Box put together, the company promised last night.
Sony said the PS3 Slim represented the next level in utterly meaningless, hyper-addictive whirlpools of shapes and colours.
European marketing director, Tom Logan, said: "The new graphics card will make the not real things on the screen look almost as real as the real stuff outside your door, not that you'll ever be going outside again. It's basically just a load of crack, in a plastic box."
The company claims the new console will deliver 'enhanced life-devouring sadness' to best-selling games including Futile Assassin, Complicated Force and Tom Clancy's Totally Pretend Army Spy.
He added: "Owning a PS3 Slim is like being besotted with a beautiful but aloof 19-year-old French girl who despises you.
"You will worship her obsessively and she will remain coldly impassive, but you will come to relish the pain as you spiral inexorably downward into lonely insanity and ultimately oblivion. It's that good."
Adult men are already queueing to get their hands on the little black box that will allow them to pretend they are a special-ops ninja marine while slumped against the sofa, in their underpants, at 3am, in an empty house, with their penis out.
IT consultant and games enthusiast, Peter Stone, said:"I'll close the curtains, plug my drip in and play until I drown in my own poop.
"I suppose my wife might complain but, to be honest, I think she may have moved out a couple of months ago. I'd better check."