Tests ‘prepare children for constantly being judged by idiots’

TESTING children at school is the only way to prepare them for constant, arbitrary judgement as adults, it has been claimed.

After parents protested against SATs tests, supporters of exams said they were necessary to introduce children to the concept of stupid people deciding their worth.

A government spokesman said: “Tests help children understand they will be judged in life for essentially meaningless things, such as whether they own a car or have nice hair.

“By subjecting children to endless tests we’re toughening them up for a world where people will write you off as a pointless individual for not liking sport.

“Being criticised for failing to identify the odd one out from a series of shapes is also good preparation for being bollocked by your boss over pointless tasks.”

Parent Tom Logan said: “At some point kids have to learn life is all about fitting in with the prejudices of shallow, judgmental idiots.

“I don’t want my son to reach his teens and discover girls won’t even consider going out with him because he’s wearing slightly the wrong type of trousers.”

Six-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Tests make me scared, but at least I won’t be surprised in the future when someone thinks I’m a worthless piece of shit for renting instead of buying.”

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Sensible man reads Trump news then googles 'build a nuclear shelter'

A PERFECTLY rational man is planning to build a nuclear fallout shelter.

After reading the news, father-of-two Tom Logan momentarily passed out then began looking at bunkers and radiation suits on the internet.

He said: “I’m not paranoid or a survivalist or anything like that.

“It just seems like a good idea to get in there now because this stuff is going to go be going up in price quicker than secondhand Prince records.”

Logan estimates that £7k should get him a serviceable shelter, capable of withstanding a two megaton blast when Emperor Trump decides the UK is no longer an ally of Trumpmerica.

He added: “You can basically buy the shelter ready-made but then you have to hire a JCB to excavate the garden to a depth of 20 feet, which I imagine will annoy the neighbours.

“But they could come and live with us underground, or at least one of them could because there’s limited space.

“Also I’m going to need to de-clutter the spare room as a store for 8,000 cans of freeze-dried pineapple chunks.”