TESTING children at school is the only way to prepare them for constant, arbitrary judgement as adults, it has been claimed.
After parents protested against SATs tests, supporters of exams said they were necessary to introduce children to the concept of stupid people deciding their worth.
A government spokesman said: “Tests help children understand they will be judged in life for essentially meaningless things, such as whether they own a car or have nice hair.
“By subjecting children to endless tests we’re toughening them up for a world where people will write you off as a pointless individual for not liking sport.
“Being criticised for failing to identify the odd one out from a series of shapes is also good preparation for being bollocked by your boss over pointless tasks.”
Parent Tom Logan said: “At some point kids have to learn life is all about fitting in with the prejudices of shallow, judgmental idiots.
“I don’t want my son to reach his teens and discover girls won’t even consider going out with him because he’s wearing slightly the wrong type of trousers.”
Six-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Tests make me scared, but at least I won’t be surprised in the future when someone thinks I’m a worthless piece of shit for renting instead of buying.”