Thatcher tribute cuts unveiled

THE government has cut benefits to 80s levels in tribute to Baroness Thatcher.

As a mark of respect for the greatest woman ever known, Jobseeker’s Allowance has been reduced to around £18.

In keeping with the period theme, claimants must sign on wearing spandex skirts or pastel ‘Miami Vice’ suit jackets teamed with espadrilles.

David Cameron said: “It’s what she would have wanted, plus the 80s is such a fun decade, as confirmed by Channel 4 ‘list’ shows. Slinky springs, Space Invaders, poll tax riots…

“We’ve even hired some angry redundant steelworkers from the 80s to sit around the dole offices. It helps create a Thatcher-y atmosphere and they get £6.25 per hour for playing a weird parody of their former selves.”

The prime minister also described his disgust at people who aren’t currently feeling sad.

“I am horrified at the spectacle of the Left – incorporating Wales and Scotland – refusing to mourn the death of someone they hated.

“To me she was like a grandmother that I also wanted to go on dates with. If others don’t remember her that way there must be something wrong with them.”

Sewing now a thing

SEWING has been confirmed as a thing.

The arrival of a television programme called The Great British Sewing Bee is proof of needlecraft’s ascent to thingdom.

Thingologist Eleanor Shaw said: “Sewing is a thing and will remain so for at least a fortnight.

“The next thing will be either retro fishing or carpentry.”

89-year-old sewing fan Mary Fisher said: “Now I’m worried that my grandchildren will think I’m some kind of bandwagon-jumping hipster.”