Government targets most annoying middle class families

THE prime minister has pledged to help 120,000 of the most irritating middle class families.

Downing Street announced extra help for comfortably-off households that have been placed on a special ‘annoying’ list, with the aim of making them less tiresome within two years.

Social worker Emma Bradford said: “There are a lot of families out there who are completely self-absorbed, trapped in a cycle of boutique camping, art gallery private views and farmer’s markets.

“”These families are making life hell for people who have to listen to their dreary bourgeois problems.

“”Where it is appropriate we will intervene directly, for example by encouraging them to shut up for five fucking minutes.

““In families where we fail to see an improvement we will be able to impose sanctions, such as restricting their access to Radio 4.””

However, middle-class parent Julian Cook said: “”The government should stay out of our lives. It’’s up to me if I want to wank on about negative equity over my brunchtime brioche.

““The state should focus on real issues like the chronic shortage of really good organic butchers.”

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Why was corned beef being sold to anyone?

CONSUMERS have demanded to know why corned beef is available.

As Asda recalled its corned beef after traces of a veterinary painkiller were found, shoppers became nauseous at the mere thought of a meat oblong with a yellowy crust.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I couldn’t care less about the horse drugs, horses always look very healthy and tend to have excellent muscle tone.

“But to think that anyone could have walked into a shop and bought a tin of corned beef right off the shelf. Kids, even.

“Just thinking about the way it plops out of the can makes me do a bit of sick in my mouth.”

The existence of corned beef has highlighted other inexplicable foods like canned fried breakfasts and meat pies that you cook in the tin.

Government health advisor Dr Roy Hobbs said: “We are aware that there is some rank shit out there.

“But we can’t ban these horrible foods because they are popular with pensioners and also the kind of quiet loners that expose themselves on public transport.

“The bar codes on ‘all-in-one breakfast’ tins contain tracking devices that the police use to help locate perverts.”

He added: “I had a breakfast in a can once, it actually wasn’t too bad if you skip the sausage.”