Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You boycott your local cafe after reading in the paper that a millionaire footballer like Juan Mata has been allowing his brother Fecal to work in the kitchen.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you get into a furious argument with somebody in the queue for the condolence book over whether it should be ‘suck demon’s dick’ or ‘suck demon dicks’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No word from the Oxford English Dictionary editors about your new definition of the word ‘circumnavigating’ – “A man knighted for his services to gay bukkake porn’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The weather gets worse after the weekend, temperatures dropping to 3 degrees, but with the wind chill factor it will feel like you want to start sobbing then kill yourself.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your exclusive interview with David Bowie starts badly when you point out that astronauts tend to be pilots and ‘Major’ Tom would actually have been ‘Squadron Leader’ Tom.

 Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The graph showing the likelihood of a plan not working and its relative craziness is a straight line upwards, not a bell curve, as your defence lawyer patiently explains to you.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Bolivian, 100% pure, with a street value of £20,000 per kg. The price of organic coffee is absolutely scandalous today, isn’t it?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The joy that a celebrity retweeted one of your comments this week will be tempered by the realization that it’s utterly meaningless and one day everyone on this planet will be dead.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Well, that’s a relief – everyone at work accuses you of talking out of your arse not because they disbelieve you but because of how your breath smells.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Avoiding garlic and eating pineapple can help to make your semen taste more palatable. Or you can just stop drinking the sodding stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jupiter said he has naked pictures of your mum. Are you going to take that shit off him? He said you could have twelve for the price of one because nobody wants them. Harsh.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

(This horoscope has been removed by the moderator for excessive use of the phrase ‘engorged member’.)