IS YOUR knowledge of recreational drugs based on recycled anecdotes and terrifying cliches? Stephen Malley, who has only experimented with bitter, explains the effects:
Hashish
The street name for cannabis. One ‘toke’ on a ‘doobie’ will instantly cause a complete lack of motivation, causing you to fail your exams and become a street juggler in Bristol. Two ‘hits’ on the ‘reefer’ will give you lifelong red-eye and mean you can only digest ‘munchies’.
Amphetamines
Or ‘Billy Whizz’, as dealers call it. A gram of ‘Billy’ will enable you stay up for a week, handy if you have work admin to catch up on, but the comedown will be a black pit of despair. And, based on the film Quadrophenia, you may become obsessed with mopeds.
Cocaine
You will instantly become ultra-confident and unable to stop talking. There is no chance you will just feel a bit high and nice. You’ll probably steal a high-performance sports car and crash it while snorting ‘white lines’ off a £3,000-a-night escort’s breasts.
LSD
Welcome to a one-way trip into insanity. Common effects of a low-dosage tab of LSD include: seeing God, believing you are God, cutting your face off with a broken mirror like in Hannibal, and permanently believing pixies and goblins exist, which was what happened to Led Zeppelin. If you survive expect weekly flashbacks for the next 30 years.
Magic mushrooms
Touch these evil fungi and you can forget about a happy life as the deputy branch manager of NatWest in East Grinstead. Instead you’ll live in a knackered hippy traveller bus with a grubby, dreadlocked girlfriend called Leaf and her six rescue dogs. No thanks.
Heroin
Not all jolly japes despite what Trainspotting would have you believe. Rather than running around the historical city of Edinburgh and going for lovely swims in toilets, most heroin users are selling sex in multi-story car parks in grimy locations like Mansfield. Yes, even world-famous rock stars.
