Jump the queue at Thorpe Park, and 17 other privileges the double-vaccinated will have within a month

THE double-vaccinated will soon be allowed to attend gigs, go to nightclubs, travel abroad and put their rubbish in your wheelie bin. What else? 

* Allowed to use your downstairs toilet without asking even if not a tradesman

* Go through supermarket checkouts after 4pm on a Sunday

* Get Japanese-only import tracks on albums

* Exempted from hosepipe bans

* Diplomatic immunity

* Straight to the front of the queue for Stealth at Thorpe Park, even if you’ve literally just got off

* Complimentary meet-and-greet with Peter Andre

* Phone call from a lower-league footballer

* Drink-driving limit raised to three pints

* Can order cinemas to fast-forward credits of Marvel film straight to extra scene

* Own personal branch of Pret A Manger

* Choice of exclusive Professor Chris Whitty or Professor Jonathan Van-Tam skins on Fortnite

* Legal cannabis

* Joie de vivre and spring in step guaranteed

* Can order breakfast at McDonald’s right up until noon

* Secret September bank holiday

* Can choose one unvaccinated person within a 1.2 mile radius of their home address to be tarred and feathered and run out of town

* Massively reduced risk of contracting, getting hospitalised with or dying from f**king Covid

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Pandemic and global recession beaten hands-down by triumphant British house prices

A WORLDWIDE pandemic paired with a global recession is no match for heroic rising British property prices, it has emerged.

While all other areas of society have been adversely affected by the pandemic, house prices in the UK have refused to cower against the virus and the ensuing economic collapse in an extraordinary vote of confidence in this nation’s can-do spirit. 

Estate agent Francesca Johnson said:  “It really is heartening to see that a novel virus that has devastated nations is powerless against a four-bed semi-detached on the outskirts of Stoke.

“The might of science has been outstripped by a windowless bedsit in London with great transport links to closed offices, fighting the good fight by being on the market for three-quarters of a million pounds.

“People have criticised the British government for ignoring all evidence, logic and reason. Well, that’s how the housing market’s behaved, and look at it f**king go. 

“The pandemic isn’t over. But while your parents’ bungalow they bought in 1995 continues to be worth £620,000, we know we can win.”