The five best imaginary scandals to start a culture war over

THERE might not be rationing or gas masks, but a war is raging right now: the ‘culture war’. Here are the best concocted scandals people are losing their shit over.

Loughborough student union doesn’t send Princess Anne a birthday card

This slap in the face to the Princess Royal only came to light this week. It turns out she has not received a birthday card from the university in the last 30 years, clearly a deliberate snub. When asked, they said they had no plans to reverse this policy, prompting outrage.

Plans to replace statue of Winston Churchill with one of Diane Abbott

These were revealed in a tweet by someone calling themself ‘Corbyn4life’ who no one had previously heard of. She told her 11 followers she would like to see a statue of the left-wing MP replacing our national hero. This is clearly a real thing that is definitely going to happen.

Campaign to have Myra HIndley’s face on £20 notes launched

There is no evidence that anyone is in favour of this. However it is important to get extremely angry about it. You cannot be too vigilant against these lunatics. 

World War 2 to be removed from history lessons

The most important event of the 20th century will be expunged from the history taught to British children, shamefully. Dunkirk, ‘Bomber’ Harris and the eventual defeat of the Nazis will be replaced by lessons about environmental and transgender issues, possibly. So far the Daily Telegraph has written 27 articles about it.

Loony students in the 1980s supported black terrorist taking over South Africa

His name was Nelson Mandela. How anyone could support this extremist is beyond belief.

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Six pathetic insecurities men won't admit to

AS a man, do you feel you should be an ‘alpha male’? Here are some of the pathetic and unrealistic things you’re probably secretly worried about.

You’re not a big swinging dick 

You should be in charge of a corporate office full of minions. They would respect your brilliant and ruthless management skills, like Big in Sex and the City. In reality, your most impressive career achievement is knowing how to use Microsoft Excel, for which you are paid 22K.

You might be shit at sex

Your partner is probably not hugely disappointed by your performance, but you never have those Hollywood-style mind-blowing simultaneous orgasms. Basically, you’re sexually inadequate because you’re not Kyle MacLachlan in Showgirls. Your partner might well leave you to have normal sex like that.

You have never fought in a war

Nothing proves your manhood like killing people, even if it’s not particularly necessary. However, you’ve never even fired a gun. Having a go with an air rifle at a local fair doesn’t count.

You don’t own a sports car

A certain type of successful guy always has a sports car of some description, but you don’t. Unless you buy a Porsche or an MG Midget pronto, you have failed as a man and may as well begin transition surgery. 

You are not a builder

Or an electrician or plumber. These salt-of-the-earth tradesmen are the true spirit of maleness. Whatever you have achieved in life, be it academic success or happy, well-adjusted children, it all pales in comparison to confidently replacing a rubber washer on a tap.

You are not an ‘alpha male’

It’s unclear what this means, but it’s something to do with being macho. Try hunting a deer and eviscerating it in the bath. Your partner will love your forever for this.