The six most terrifyingly false teenage drug myths

IS A teenager you know thinking of doing drugs? Make sure they know all these terrifying, entirely bogus true stories: 

A girl took acid and thought she was an orange

Yeah okay but this one girl who took LSD? She got so off it she thought she was an orange and peeled off all her skin? And couldn’t feel the pain and died, or got locked in hospital forever with no skin and she still thinks she’s an orange? Or maybe orange juice.

Smoking weed makes you think you can fly

Only ever smoke the good shit on a ground floor of a building, yeah? Never, no account, go above the second floor because you’ll look out and think you can just straight up fly like Superman and launch yourself off the roof and die? Happened to my brother’s mate.

A girl took E and couldn’t stop dancing

Literally danced herself to death. She was so into the music that when it stopped she was dancing to car radios and traffic and anything, and she didn’t stop to eat or rest and she died? That can happen.

Cocaine’s even better up your arse

You know how all the movie stars are on cocaine, but their noses haven’t fallen off? Cause they take it up the arse. They get their assistants to blast it up there and they’re so high they run on all fours into the Hollywood hills and tear the throats out of coyotes. Matthew McConaughey. Saying no more.

Acid gives you flashbacks

Like you might take acid and see dancing Teletubbies and groove on the Doors and stuff, but it’s not over? The next week, the next month, 20 years later you’ll see something and suddenly you’re back in your bad trip and it can last only a few seconds but forever?

Dried banana skins and nutmeg are the ultimate high

Get banana skins, dry them in the airing cupboard, crumble them up, sprinkle on some nutmeg from mum’s spice rack, and smoke it. Gets you so incredibly high you won’t ever come down and you’ll just want to do it over and over forever. That’s what Mr Stewart who teaches physics does in the stockroom.

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Oxford students replace Queen portrait with Pulp Fiction poster

STUDENTS at Oxford University have replaced a controversial portrait of the Queen with a Pulp Fiction poster from the SU shop, it has been confirmed.

Members of Magdalen College chose the A2 glossy of a smoking Uma Thurman over a print of Gustav Klimt’s The Kiss and the Abbey Road cover after a secret vote.

Student Sophie Rodriguez said: “The Queen is the head of the Ku Klux Klan, that’s undisputed even by Tories, so we needed a change.

“We thought what would really represent us, as students? An Obama Hope poster was considered but he’s a drone war criminal, Munch’s Scream is hideously white, and Bob Marley smoking weed’s cultural appropriation of Rastafarianism.

“So we thought the poster for Tarantino’s enduring classic would make us look really alternative and interesting, and it’s big enough to hide blu tack marks on the walls so we get our deposits back. This place isn’t cheap like Leicester, you know.

“The only dissenting voice was Jaz who wanted a framed poster of Lorraine Kelly ‘because it’s ironic’.”

Students at Cambridge have hit back at their rivals by removing a bas-relief of Churchill and replacing it with a classy black-and-white photo of New York construction workers lunching on a crossbeam.