The five types of loser still wishing you happy birthday on Facebook

MOST people only use Facebook to show off photos of their new house keys and engagement rings. But these five losers still insist on writing ‘happy birthday’ on your wall.

The elderly relative

Having got to grips with ‘The Facebook’ later in life, your great aunt Brenda isn’t about to start WhatsApping you a happy birthday GIF. Instead, she’s going to remain on her preferred drip-feed of conspiracy theory bullshit and bombard her friends with endless inspirational quotes. Yes, she’s an oddball for using Facebook to wish you happy birthday, but when did you last send her a card?

The random nutter from school

No birthday would be complete without that weird kid from your form group writing a touching ‘Happy birthday mate’ on your wall. It’s as traditional as candles on a cake. After giving his post a mandatory like, you’ll check his profile and discover he’s flogging a suspicious amount of electrical goods on Facebook Marketplace, cash only. You will not communicate for another year.

That friend of a friend you met twice

Perhaps you played five-a-side with this person a couple of times. Or maybe you got trapped talking to them on a night out. Either way, they instantly added you on Facebook and have punctually wished you happy birthday for the last decade. Is this a cry for attention? Don’t they have real friends to talk to? Too late to ask now, just comment ‘ta’ and move on.

An old colleague you couldn’t stand

Well, well, well. The office manager you couldn’t stand who never organised an obligatory Colin the Caterpillar cake and awkward sing-song around your desk when you actually worked together is now writing happy birthday on your wall. You should do the mature thing and unfriend them, but you’re getting a twisted kick out of this. Karma’s a bitch.

Someone you met on holiday in 2006

Ah, Magaluf 2006, what a holiday. You pulled nobody, spent all your time getting sunburnt by the pool, and befriended some guy from Leicester who now writes “HB x” on your wall every year. You know practically nothing about him and your whole relationship is built on this exchange of meaningless well wishes. In other words it’s the typical male friendship.

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Parents' expectations way too high for 'meeting' between new baby and friend

A COUPLE are expecting far too much from an inconsequential meeting between their oblivious baby and their uninterested friend.

Anxious parents James and Emma Bradford are placing an undue amount of pressure on their two-week-old baby with no social skills in the run-up to him meeting friend Nikki Hollis who is only visiting out of obligation because she was nearby anyway.

Mum Emma said: “This has to go perfectly but there’s so much that could go wrong. Little Tommy could be sick, or Nikki might not be able to strike up a baby-talk conversation with him that he won’t remember.

“What if they don’t get on? What if Tommy shrieks the entire time? Not only does that make us look like bad parents, but there’s also no way Nikki will want to babysit him when we’ve reached our limit. This is more stressful than giving birth.

“If everything goes smoothly I’ll be able to read into it that Tommy has the makings of a future diplomat. And Nikki will have to nod along and agree because you can’t say anything mean about someone else’s kid. Which works in my favour because this guy’s a little shit.”

Hollis said: “Oh yeah, there it is. Cute. Can we open the Prosecco now?”