Smash burgers and other food trends you'd happily never hear about again

BRITISH food has always had a bad reputation, but at least it wasn’t this social media-fuelled bollocks you could easily live without.

Sandwiches you have to queue for

Sandwiches are the depressing last resort of people who forgot to make lunch and cannot be bothered to go to Greggs. Or at least they were when they knew their place. Now, for some reason, grotesque meat-stuffed focaccias are being flogged by a tiny bakery that’s gone viral for £15 a pop. Clearly this is a sign of civilisation in decline.

Dirty fries

Once reserved for describing those magazines your dad kept under his bed, the word ‘dirty’ is now applied to chips that have been tarted up with cheese, pickles and pulled pork. Apparently ketchup doesn’t suffice any more, and waiters seem to deeply resent it when you ask them to bring some over. Even though it should be included as standard. Philistines.

Smash burgers

Also known as: burgers. Just because the mince has been smushed around on the grill a bit that doesn’t make them special. They still taste of charred cow, they still clog your arteries, the only difference is that they cost a tenner more than a regular burger. Go to Burger King instead, it’s much better and you get to eat off a colourful tray.

Pumpkin spiced shit

Everyone goes mental when pumpkin spiced season rolls around, but why? Nobody actually tastes it, so Starbucks baristas might as well sprinkle shavings of rust scraped from boat hulls into your latte. If you really want to add some pumpkin to your diet, you could eat a miraculous, timely squash to your diet which is called a ‘pumpkin’.

Vegan nonsense

Vegan food is fine. If you must eat it, that’s on you. What doesn’t make sense though is all the bizarre naming that goes along with it. They’re not cluckless nuggets, they’re lumps of tofu that have been dipped in a fryer. It’s not a Moving Mountains burger, it’s a disc of unidentifiable protein and mushrooms. Like vegans, they should get over themselves.

Tomahawk steaks

You’ve got social media sensation Salt Bae to thank for this bollocks that has infected the rest of the world. If you’ve ever been presented with a hunk of cow so rare that it looks like it’s still alive, that’s his fault. You’re not even supposed to eat it, it exists purely for the Gram so you can show off how out-of-touch with reality you are.

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Extra hour to be completely wasted by all

THE extra hour created by the clocks going back will not be put to good use by anyone, it has been confirmed.

Instead of being spent productively by reading books or sorting pensions, the bonus hour will be slept through by everyone at first and then gradually adjusted to with nothing worthwhile to show for it.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The morning after the clocks go back is always odd. You feel all smug as you wind back your watch, then you fritter away that lead by scrolling on your phone.

“You squander more time by telling your friends how weird everything feels, then the last few precious minutes get swallowed up while you wait at a traffic light. Before you know it, the hour is gone completely.

“You could have baked a cake with that time, watched an episode of The Sopranos, or even started your Christmas shopping. But instead you make the same mistakes as you do every year, along with everyone else. It’s tragic.

“Time doesn’t come back, you know. You’ve only got a finite amount of it left, and it’s dwindling away second-by-second as you march towards your inevitable death, which lasts forever.”

Kelly Howard from Newquay said: “Rubbish. I had an extra-long lie-in then a wank, time well spent.”